To forgive, to let go and to say I'm sorry
by Water-star
Summary: After hearing the news about her best friend's engagement, Asuka at 23, knows that she must face her inner demons before going back to Japan, while Shinji deals with his own... Cliche story, I know!
1. Prologue: Lips of an angel

_It's really good to hear your voice saying my name  
It sounds so sweet  
Coming from the lips of an angel  
Hearing those words it makes me weak  
And I never wanna say goodbye  
But girl you make it hard to be faithful  
With the lips of an angel_

_Lips of an Angel_- Hinder

* * *

At this moment, Shinji Ikari was now officially unsure of how things had come up to this point. It all seemed simple at first; accompany Asuka as she went for her usual walk through the park, how hard could that be? Normally, Shinji wouldn't dare intrude on the German's private leisure time but he was on Misato's orders to join Asuka after she had witnessed the two teenagers arguing again.

* * *

_"I want you two to settle your differences before I come back," she told them as she adjusted one of her earrings. Once again getting ready for another date with Hyuga._

_"Why should we? We're not kids anymore, Misato. You can't give us orders!" Asuka rebutted, offended that Misato would bold enough to tell her former "children" on how they should act or solve their problems._

_"This is not an order, it's a threat. For fuck's sake, you're both eighteen and you're still acting like a bunch of elementary kids! If you guys don't solve your dilemmas, then I'll take it upon me to post up those photos of you both of in those lycra bike shorts on Myspace. Plus, I will ban your TV, internet and tell the others that you're not allowed to hang out with them for a week."_

_Asuka gasped, "What!? You wouldn't."_

_"Do I look like the person to make empty threats?" Misato asked sternly, Asuka stared into guardian's eyes, both of them waiting the other to look away, however, Shinji knew from previous rounds of Misato Vs Asuka who would win and it had always been Misato._

_As if on cue, Asuka blinked. "GODDAMNIT!"_

_"Now that that's been settled, I'll see you guys later. Have fun," she teased with a wink before walking out of the apartment._

_Shinji noticed a sudden tension in the room making him feel uneasy and unsure of what to say to her, but luckily Asuka did it for him. "Gott Shinji, why didn't you try to stand up to her? You always back down, don't you have any spine at all?"_

_Before he could respond, the German continued, "I said it once and I will say it again; There's nothing more useless than a housebroken male."_

_"Damn it Asuka, why do you always have to do this! Why do you always think that it's okay for you to insult me and make me feel like crap? What have I ever done to make you hate me so much?" he growled, feeling frustration towards his flatmate again._

_Only Asuka Langley Sohryu had the blessed gift of making Shinji Ikari go from Mr Brightside to Unit 01 berserker, at the velocity of the speed of light._

"Goddamnit Shinji, you're so friggin' stubborn when you want to be," Asuka muttered, softly pushing Shinji backwards until his back gently collided with the cherry blossom tree that loomed over the couple.

"One of us has to be," he countered, a smirk had plastered itself all over his handsome features. Asuka felt slightly irritated at his suddenly carefree attitude but had no time to respond to his statement as he already pulled her into another kiss.

* * *

_"I'm going out for a walk," was the only response Asuka gave and began to walk away._

_"Well then I have to come with you, now won't I?" Shinji replied with a small sigh, following her actions only to be halted when Asuka turned around._

_"I don't think so. Walking time is my time, and right now I don't feel like looking at you."_

_"Damn you, Asuka!" Shinji ran his hand through his hair, letting out a sigh of frustration before looking at her again. "You are so friggin' stubborn!"_

_"One of us has to be," crossing her arms and placing one hip to the side. Asuka looked at him with complete defiance, silently provoking him into fighting back, Shinji took the bait._

_"Hey are you saying that I'm-"_

_"I'm merely reporting the facts."_

_"How so?"_

_"It just is. Accept it."_

_"Hey why do you treat me this way?"_

_For once tonight, Asuka was unable to come up with another retort, instead she replied, "I'll be leaving in five minutes. It's cold tonight so I'm going to put on something warmer and if you peep while I'm changing, you're dead."_

_"It's hardly worth risking my life," the brown-haired man rolled his eyes when she left the room._

_"I heard that!" she yelled from her room, Shinji cringed._

_**Super hearing!** He thought, grimacing. He was definitely not looking forward to the outcomes when Asuka would come back._

* * *

Shinji grabbed Asuka's thigh to pull her closer to him. Letting his hand rub back and forth against the denim fabric of Asuka's jeans, his fingers soon became entangled with the fine silky threads of the German's auburn hair.

"Do you know how hard it is trying to keep away from you? I'm trying to keep a promise to myself and here you are; taunting me with those damn lips of yours. They're like the lips of an angel," Shinji muttered. Chuckling gently at first before harshly pulling her caramel leather jacket off and throwing it to the ground.

For a moment he was able to enjoy drinking in the sight of Asuka's milk-white skin being illuminated from the moonlight, before he lost his remaining self-control and grabbed her into another kiss.

* * *

_"Ready Third," Asuka said as left her bedroom._

_Shinji didn't need to change into any other clothing as he was already wearing jeans and a long-sleeved grey sweatshirt, all he would need was a jacket and he had plenty of those to choose from._

_"Yes" he replied. It took a moment for him to finally notice that for once as long as he could remember, Asuka did not have her interface clips in her hair._

_"Well let's go. You're wasting valuable time here."_

_Shinji quickly ran into his room and got his black jacket before he caught up to Asuka, who was slipping her feet into leather boots that were the same colour as her jacket._

_**I wonder if she's trying to keep everything colour co-ordinated,** rolling his eyes at the idea and followed her out of the apartment._

* * *

A moan escaped Asuka's lips as Shinji's own trailed from the beginning of her neck and made their way down to her collarbone, reaching over her pounding heart. She wondered if the young man could hear it at the same volume as she could, feeling so sure that if the intensity of this pounding continued harshly into her ear drums, she would soon become deaf.

"You stole that off a song, so that doesn't count," she murmured, letting her stubbornness be worn as her mask. Despite the given situation, Asuka still felt the need to protect herself and her already crumbling heart as there were only so many times it could take abuse before enough was enough.

"Come on Asuka. You've gotta give me a little credit, that song is a classic!"

Asuka rolled her eyes at the thought of Shinji's bizarre choice of music, before she closed them again and let herself to enjoy the warmth & comfort that were responding from Shinji's kisses. In her mind, the red head desperately tried to analyse the emotions that were going through her soul right at this moment. Was it comfort? Fear? _Love?_

_But more importantly; how did I let it come to this point?_ Her mind silently wondered, soon feeling her defences be lowered as all her inhibitions were beginning to drown within Shinji's embrace.

* * *

_It was beautiful tonight. No clouds, the sky was completely clear, making it easy for the former pilots to enjoy gazing at the billions of stars that scattered across the velvetly-navy blue sky. Asuka remembered Shinji once commenting on the irony that without artificial light, the sky was so beautiful at night. Although she had agreed with his statement, she confessed to not only him but Wonder Girl as well, that she felt more comfortable seeing lights._

_"What are you thinking about?" Shinji's questions forced the former pilot of Unit 02 out of her day dreaming, slightly irritated that he had dared to ruin this moment._

_"Remembering," was the only reply she could be bothered to give. Asuka wasn't in the mood for another argument tonight._

_"What about?"_

_**Oh Gott, what's with this shit all of a sudden?** She groaned inwardly, rolling her eyes. **Has Shinji decided to piss me off by trying to play twenty fucking questions?**_

_"When you, Wonder Girl and I defeated the spider angel that looked like a poorly done Picasso piece."_

_Shinji chuckled at the joke. "Yeah, it did look like that. Didn't it?"_

_"Of course it did! Otherwise I wouldn't of brought it up at all." **Moron.**_

_"Those were the days, weren't they?"_

_Asuka raised an eyebrow. **Now that's something interesting.** _

_"I thought you hated piloting Eva. In fact as I recall, apparently you called it quits twice."_

_Shinji cringed. "How did you know about the other time?"_

_"Misato told me. I don't get it Shinji, why do you hate piloting Eva so much yet be able to find comfort in it?"_

* * *

A small giggle escaped Asuka's lips as she listened to Shinji give a small cry of triumph as he managed to undo the front buttons of her white strapless top but his victory was only momentarily. Asuka laughed again when she heard his silent curses with his struggles to remove her strapless bra.

_Come on Shinji, you're almost there. Once it's off we can finally-_

"Shiest!" Asuka whispered in panic, feeling her heart's beat increase even further at her sudden realisation._ Mein gott, we're about to do it! I'm about to become just like Misato with a guy whom I can't even stand._

"Wait Shinji, stop! I can't do this," she realised, pulling back from Shinji's warm embrace finding herself feeling cold from the lack of his touch. To regain some sort of warmth, Asuka picked up her top & jacket and struggled to put them on again.

"Wait, what? You want to stop?" he asked in disbelief, feeling disappointment gently pit itself within the centre of his stomach whilst hurt approached his heart with a numbing ache.

"Yes dummkopf. I don't want to do this with a weak, whiny little boy like you!" she spat, disgusted at the thought.

_I'd rather die than do it with you. _But Asuka didn't want to tell Shinji that, because although she was a cold bitch at heart, even she had her limits of being inhumane.

* * *

_"What was your most fond memory of our piloting days?" Asuka asked, feeling curious to what he would say. **Probably something that happened before I came here.**_

_"When we synchronised with each together for those six days," Shinji answered honestly, partly surprising the red head, yet secretly pleasing her at the same time._

_"Pervert," she responded with a small smile. "I can't believe you try to kiss me while I was sleeping."_

_Once again Shinji cringed. "Yeah and I can't believe you made me confess it in front of NERV."_

_Asuka laughed at the memory of when they bickered, she remembered how embarrassed each pilot felt after realising they had done in front of all NERV personnel and Commander Fuyutski. "And then we actually kissed but neither of us spoke about it." Instantly regretting what she said._

* * *

"Damn it Asuka, I'm not fourteen anymore!" Shinji spat back feeling himself become fuelled by anger. "I've learnt from my mistakes and I've learnt to not run away anymore, but why do you keep bringing it up?"

Asuka slightly flinched but she didn't let it show. Had Shinji asked that exact same question any other time, Asuka would have either responded violently or not acknowledge it at all. But for some reason on that night, she didn't have the strength to act on either of those options. Instead she looked into his eyes with raw honesty reflecting in hers, and answered his question.

"Because you let me down when I needed you the most."

* * *

_"Was I really that terrible that you needed to rinse your mouth out?" Shinji had asked it expecting disappointment, making Asuka feel guilty about her past actions. She should be honest with him, Asuka decided, he deserved that._

_"If you really must know, I never washed my mouth out. I just pretended because I felt cut that you pulled back," she admitted, feeling a blush creep upon her cheeks. _

_**Mein gott,** she thought at realising what she had just said. **I can't believe I just confessed that!**_

_"You didn't leave me with much choice. You pinched my nose and I couldn't breathe, what did you expect?"_

_Hearing that made Asuka realise that she had been the one at fault._

* * *

Shinji stood there in complete shock at her answer, Asuka became enraged before breaking eye contact with him and walking off. A moment passed before Shinji realised Asuka left him behind. He regained his senses and ran to catch up with her, but the German female was refusing to look at him.

"What do you mean, when you _'Needed me the most'_?! When did you need the most?" He suddenly felt confused. How could Asuka Langley Sorhyu; the designated pilot of Eva 02 and the strongest person that Shinji had both ever known and envied, need Shinji Ikari? The boy who she had always considered to be an idiotic, perverted coward whose selection as a pilot _"Must've been a joke, right?"_

Was this even the same person that Shinji was thinking about?

* * *

_"But still, it had been a pretty amazing kiss," Shinji confessed._

_**WHAT?!** "Oh really? Have you kissed anyone else since then?" Asuka once again regretted asking, because if he replied 'No' then she would be relieved and if he replied 'Yes' her heart would sink in disappointment. Either way it would be a lose/lose situation for the young woman._

_Shinji stopped walking causing Asuka to do the same a few moments later. She walked back to him and saw that his blue eyes were dark with thought as they gazed into hers. His voice was thick with emotion when he replied, "No."_

* * *

Asuka considered answering another one of Shinji's questions, but quickly decided against it. _You've already made yourself as vulnerable as it is,_ her mind scolded to her. _He doesn't need another reason to believe that there could be a chance of us being in a relationship, not like that there is a chance anyway... You haven't even told him about the acceptance letter._

"Never mind. Just forget any of that has happened tonight. Got it?" She hoped that Shinji would comply, sadly she was mistaken.

"No I won't forget it," he protested, grabbing Asuka shoulders so she would be forced to face him. "I want to know when it was so!"

* * *

_Asuka wondered if it were physically possible to feel weak to the knees when looking at someone in the eye. She felt as if she could literally fall into those beautiful dark blue eyes and would never be able to escape or awaken from this sweet fantasy. _

_**Fantasy? Nein, this is definitely real. Or at least... I hope it is...**_

_Her questions were answered when Shinji pulled her lips to his. She should've resisted, slapped him and call him a pervert, but her heart was begging her not to do so. And for the first time in so long, Asuka let go of all her principles that had made her survive up to this point and let herself be consumed by Shinji's touch._

* * *

Looking at Shinji in the eye was a lot more difficult than it sounded for Asuka who over the years grew to an amazing 5ft 11, whilst Shinji had achieved a dramatic growth spurt at sixteen and stood proud to a staggering 6ft 3; his new height made her feel as though she were a midget.

_Gott, he's grown a lot since I first met him and since when did he become so solid?_ Noticing the death-grip Shinji had on her while she herself had a grip on his biceps creating a physical distance between them. _Dark hair, beautiful cobalt-blue eyes, great build. He could almost be Superman!_

Asuka almost laughed out loud.

Life would be a lot simpler if Shinji truly were some sort of Superman. If so then he'd be able to break down her walls of Jericho without breaking a sweat and Asuka would free to love him. But sadly life wasn't something that's two-dimensional, limited with colours and easy to flip through all the bad parts; it was real and could prove to be quite painful, even a comic book can provide its viewer with a paper cut. In a bizarre manner, Shinji was a super hero in his own way and has always managed to save the day for everyone else, but he always failed at becoming closer with his Lois Lane.

_Mein gott, now I'm referring myself as "his Lois Lane"! I'm not his and I'm not Lois Lane! I'm Asuka Langley Sorhyu, a unique individual. A woman who thinks for herself and depends on no one. The day I let the someone claim me as theirs, is the day that I'm officially pathetic. All I need is me and it'll stay that way._

She couldn't stand looking at Shinji anymore, letting go of his arms and slapped hard across his face. Ouch, that's going to leave a mark in the morning. Internally cringing at the red mark she left on his cheek, feeling slightly guilty for putting such a horrible bruise on such a handsome face.

_Pathetic, he won't even fight back. Run Asuka, run! He's useless and he doesn't deserve to be in your presence. Not after everything he failed to do..._

Then in that final moment, the two would share for the next five years, Asuka performed an art she had perfected in her fourteen years of experience. It was an act that made her somewhat of a hypocrite because while she had always criticised Shinji for it, she too was a master of it herself.

Asuka performed her perfectioned talent of running away.

If Shinji had had realised what Asuka's plans were for Germany, he would've caught up with her and confess how much he truly loved her. Sadly though, most people like Shinji couldn't see into the future and decipher the next five years would be like for him. Instead the former pilot of Unit 01 fumed with anger and made his own way home, only to return in the early hours of the morning.

* * *

Shinji awoke to the sound of Misato crying. Concerned for his surrogate mother, he got up and went to investigate only to find the older woman in huddled in the corner of Asuka's bed, curled in a ball while clutching onto a piece of paper.

"Misato?" he asked with genuine concern, walking over to bed. "What's wrong? And where's Asuka?"

"She's gone, Shinji. Asuka's gone. Back in Germany now," she answered wiping the tears off her cheeks, looking at the young man for the first time.

"What?" The young man could feel his heart beginning to break. How could this have happened? "That's impossible, she couldn't have left! I didn't hear her pack or anything last night."

Misato cringed with guilt, Shinji didn't like this. "Shinji... Asuka... Asuka packed up all her stuff a few weeks ago."

After she mentioned that, the blue-eyed man quickly noted that Misato was indeed right; Asuka's room was bare except for a few boxes. He was at a loss for words. "She's been planning this all along and you didn't tell me?" He could feel the tears of hurt and betrayal, prickle in the corner of his eyes. "How could you have not told me something as important as this?"

"I'm so sorry Shinji. I know it was terrible of me to betray your trust like that. Asuka applied for a German university several months ago and only received a letter of acceptance a few weeks before. I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone because I knew it was something that she should tell, not me. All I asked her in return was that she wouldn't leave until everyone knew and gave her a genuine farewell. Guess it backfired on me, ha?" Misato tried to make it a joke but her smile faltered when she noticed that Shinji did not appreciate her sense of humor.

"I'm sorry Shinji." She knew apologies were useless; the damage was already done. Misato stood up and left the room to leave Shinji with his own grief, looking back at him with genuine sympathy before sliding the door closed.

She almost cried as she heard his howls of inner turmoil.

* * *

Asuka gave a sigh of content. At the present she was in a plane in the middle of nowhere but in a few hours she would finally be home in Germany and although she had no intention of seeing either her father or stepmother, Asuka did let them know that she was coming back. After all, she hadn't visited her mother's grave in four years.

"Excuse me, Miss but is there anything you would like to drink?" a stewardess asked, breaking the German's day dreaming.

"Nein danke. I'm fine," the woman smiled and was about to walk away when Asuka called her back. "Actually, do you happen to have by any chance Yebisu beer?"

The woman slightly frowned trying to remember what type of beer it was exactly before smiling again. "Yes, we do."

She searched the tray and pulled out both a yellow can that Asuka was so familiar with, and retrieved a small plastic cup. "Don't worry about the cup, I'll just drink it out of the can."

The stewardess complied. "Here you go, miss."

"Danke."

The woman thanked the red head back and continued her job.

Asuka didn't know why she asked for that particular brand of beer but she concluded it was because of Misato. _Damn that woman, now I'm never going to get over this crap._ Strangely the thought wasn't bitter, instead it made Asuka smile to know that a bit of Misato had been influenced on her.

_I wonder if I was an influence to her. Or Shinji..._ She took a huge gulp of the foul liquid as Misato always did and found that it didn't taste as bad as she had always thought it did. _This crap actually tastes pretty good!_ Though she would never admit that to her former guardian.

_I wonder how she's taking it. I hope she'll be okay. Shinji too,_ the young woman inwardy cringed when she thought of her flatmate's welfare but she reminded herself that she was too far away now.That she was safe now. Asuka would be in Germany soon and she'll never have to face him again.

_I'll miss Hikari though,_ she mentally sighed.

After what happened last night, Asuka went back to the apartment and was grateful to see that Shinji was not back yet. Quickly, the red head collected all the necessities she needed and wrote a note telling Misato that she was gone now and that she was sorry that she didn't keep her promise. She took one more look around her room and couldn't help but feel a little depressed.

Asuka had spent the past four years living here and so much had happened during that time, but now there were all packed in big white boxes, all addressed to her university campus. She had received a room number at where she would be staying at the university so she knew that she were to hurry to Germany soon if she wanted to make sure that she had not lost any valuable possessions.

The rest had already been shipped off to Germany during the school hours with Misato keeping an eye on the removalists, making it practically impossible for Shinji to find out until today when he realised that Asuka would be gone. A part of Asuka felt guilty that she didn't tell him, nor tell Misato face-to-face that she appreciated her help but after what happened last night, she never wanted to look at him again.

Asuka had not forgotten about Pen Pen and had given the warm-water penguin quick good-bye hug and a kiss on the head before leaving her expired NERV identification card on her bed side table and her apartment keys on the kitchen bench. Looking around the apartment for the final time, Asuka felt her eyes become a bit teary.

_For fuck's sake Asuka, get over it. It's just an apartment, there will be plenty more you'll live in!_ Her inner voice had been right.

Regaining her composure and with no thought or anything else weighing her down, Asuka left.

* * *

At the fear of being caught by either Shinji or Misato, Asuka caught the bus to Hikari's. She felt guilty for disrupting her best friend at this hour, but she really needed to tell Hikari that she was leaving tomorrow, plus a place to stay for the night. She knocked on the door and as she had hoped, Hikari answered.

The brunette was surprised at first to see her friend at this hour, also slightly irriated, however, after Asuka explained the whole situation, Hikari felt slightly disappointed. She had already known that Asuka was planning to move back to Germany a few weeks back, but she had been hoping to spend a bit more time with her best friend before she left.

Hikari handed Asuka the household phone and she made a booking at the Tokyo-3 airport six o'clock in the morning. With that confirmed, the two teenagers had spent the rest of the night talking; reminiscing about old memories and discussing Hikari's relationship with Touji.

_"It's going along real well. We're thinking about taking it to the next step,"_ Hikari had said.

_"His suggestion or yours?"_

Asuka had always considered Touji to be too perverted for her liking and was extremely weary about him dating Hikari, a person whom was quite close to her, yet at the same time, knew that the jock would never do anything intentional to harm her friend. Unless he wanted to decrease his chances of becoming a natural father, that is.

_"It was my suggestion but he seems a bit scared of the idea."_

_"One of the perverted stooge scared to have sex?"_ she looked at her friend with disbelief. _"Now I've heard everything."_

_"I would've thought Shinji wouldn't be like that but after what you told me, I have heard everything!"_

The two girls had then laughed and in the early hours of the morning, Hikari drove her friend to the airport. Both were incredibly teary, yet neither were willing to cry in front of the other. They then had hugged and each made a solemn promise to always keep in contact with the other.

* * *

_"We are now coming into landing. Please fasten seat-belts and remain seated until you're advised not to do so,"_ the speaker announced, once again forcing Asuka to drift out of her day dreaming.

_Looks like this is it._

Excitement coursed through her self and adrenaline began pumping into her blood as she watched the plane land onto her home soil. After ten minutes Asuka was able to be get up from her seat and stretch her tired muscles. She noticed that she was still holding the empty beer can, yet she couldn't bring herself to through it away and instead placed it inside her black messenger bag.

_Getting a bit sentimental, aren't we?_

Normally Asuka would've agreed with the voice, but today she found it to be quite irritating and decided ignored it. After all, today was a beautiful day, she was back to where she truly belonged and ready to begin a new life. She smiled as she exited the plane, the warm air of springtime in Berlin greeting her, taking her back down memory lane and she said the words she yearned to say for so many years now.

"Ich bin zu hause."


	2. Leaving New York

_Now life is sweet  
And what it brings  
I tried to take  
But loneliness  
It wears me out  
It lies in wait  
And I've lost  
Still in my eyes  
The shadow of necklace  
Across your thigh  
I might've lived my life in a dream, but I swear  
This is real  
Memory fuses and shatters like glass  
Mercurial future, forget the past  
It's you, it's what I feel.  
You might have laughed if I told you  
You might have hidden a frown  
You might have succeeded in changing me  
I might have been turned around  
It's easier to leave than to be left behind  
Leaving was never my proud  
Leaving New York, never easy  
I saw the light fading out  
You find it in your heart, it's pulling me apart  
You find it in your heart, change..._

_Leaving New York_- R.E.M.

* * *

Would you believe me if I said that I never expected my life to turn out this way? Seriously!

The thought of me- Asuka Zeppelin, once again attending university had never crossed my mind for a single moment after my first graduation of university. Yet, here I am now ten years later:

_1) Twenty-three, _

_2) Currently living in Germany, _

_3) And expected to attend a physics exam in less than half an hour. _

An exam that may I mention, is not some little test I can skip out on or use as time to catch up on my sleeping. It's worth thirty-percent of my year mark and without it, no graduation for me, meaning no Master's degree. And I definitely cannot afford fail this term considering I'm on a scholarship... but then again, I may decide to head for Japan by the time this exam is over.

Five years have passed since my abrupt departure from Japan and while a small, small part of me (which I like to refer to as my naiive side) thrived on the idea of going back, the sane part of me despised the thought. Too much would've changed since my sudden exit and I would only be imposing on everybody's lives if I were to go back. People would have changed, moved on with their lives and forgotten all about me.

_Then again, it is Hikari's wedding I would be missing out on. _

No, you didn't hear me incorrectly. Hikari will soon tie the knot to that damn stooge, Touji. Honestly, I've never understood what she saw in him. I know that she always said that it was his compassionate side, but the only thing I've ever seen him have compassion for was getting a nosebleed that time he saw Misato walking around in the apartment in nothing except a towel! And it just so happens that I know from experience when a teenage boy listens to his downstairs heart, not his upstairs brain. If Touji has a brain... but anyway, that's not the point. It would just be too awkward between all of us if I decided to go back.

"Guten morgen Asuka. Another long black, I assume?"

Now don't me wrong, or assume that I'm losing my edge (because I'm most certainly _**am not**_), I would yell at the person who would dared to have broken my thinking, but Amalasuintha is different. Reason for that is, she can actually hold her ground in a shouting match; another thing I have learnt from experience.

A moment later my brain finally registered that Amal had just asked me a question- did I want another coffee? At the thought of having to drink another black coffee, I shuddered in repulsion.

"Nein danke, Amal. Just give me a late. I swear if I have to drink enough cup of black of coffee, I'll puke."

During this damn examination period I've been pulling all-nighters with straight coffee as my artificial fuel and though it has proven to be quite effective, I'd really rather not do it again. In fact, the only thing I could ever possibly want at this present moment was a coffee with either some sugar, milk or one with those nice syrup flavourings. Which I've heard from a college buddy, that like vanilla essence, if you drink enough you could get some sort of _"Buzz!"_

Personally I've never done it myself, but it will be one of those little things that would amuse me if I were to experiment it on one day. Hmm... I wonder I could get Amal to be my experimental genuie pig.

"Oh sorry Asuka, you're too late. We've just used up our last carton of milk for the woman who likes to piss and moan about little things on a daily basis!" she said somewhat sarcastically, her lilac eyes sparkled with amusement.

Amal has been a close of mine since the beginning of university, we were situated in the same room during our days as sorority girls until the beginning of our third years when we both realised just how badly we wanted to live on our own independently. Ergo, we moved out and found our own apartments.

If you aware of the inamous Hedgehog's Dilemma then I'm sure you'll find a picture of me as an example to the theory considering I am living proof the theory still exists.

Ever since my unfortunate childhood, my natural instinct has always been to make it difficult for letting people in, but Amal is different. The reason we became close friends was because of our personas; striving to achieve our full potential, neither willing to give up and determined to always remain strong & independent by never crying. However, on the downside would be during that time of the month, that's when we tend to get bitchy and try to boss the other one around. Meeting someone exactly like me is both a comforting, yet frustrating experience.

A smirk crossed my face, there was no sting from her comment because I knew that she was playing our game of, "Who can be... the Biggest Bitch?"

Yes I know, it's pathetic that we couldn't think up of our own material and instead we stole something off some random reality show _"The Biggest Loser,"_ I think it's called, but it's still pretty funny when either of us blurt it out at the most random of times.

When we had first begun the tournament I was conceited enough to believe I'd take home the gold medal on the first round for sure, but Amal proved me wrong. Yes she can appear quite sweet and cuddly, but deep down, Amal is a real bitch when she wants to be someone who will always stand there stound and not afraid to tell me that I'm wrong. She's helped me a lot with that larger-than-life confidence and for that, I respect her.

"Yeah, yeah love you too. Now go get my damn late before I get berserker on your ass!"

Amal chuckled, understanding the relativity to that comment. "Sure Asuka, I'll even add a cookie for bonus points."

Seeing's though I'm comfortable with my sexuality, I admit that Amal would be one of the gorgeous women I've ever seen. She's close to my height, maybe 5ft 9 with beautiful cream-coloured skin- unlike mine which I've ruined from constant tanning! But the thing I envied Amal the most was her terracotta-brown hair, which how she manages to keep it so shiny, I'll never know, yet she never lets it down like I suggest to her and instead, always insists keeping it in a spiky high bun.

One time I caught her wearing glasses, but she told me that it was only for whenever she drove or read. If she really wanted to, Amal could be a model. Yet as attractive as she is, Amal hasn't been on a date since our freshman year. I once asked her why she didn't and she replied that it was because she believed that all the men at university were either too idiotic, too perverted, too ordinary, too stereotypical or too alike for her liking. Is anyone now beginning to see why we both get along so well?

"Danke. Now hurry up, my exam is in more than twenty minutes!" Looking at my watch, I realised that I didn't have much time left. Amal seem to have noticed this as well.

"Jeez Asuka, that's really pushing it," her voice tinged with concern, but she didn't stay around to hear my reply.

I sighed deeply. I have to admit, today I really am pushing it for time considering the fact that it takes ten minutes to the exam room and that's if I'm running. Usually I'm up for the challenge, but today I'd rather not due to the fact I was idiotic enough not to have considered to wear practical footwear.

_Instead I decided to wear high-heeled boots!_ Thinking about the consequences and how my body was going to feel tonight made me groan. _I'm such a moron._

Normally I'm not this disorientated or reckless, but my brain hasn't been able to function properly on a lack of sleep. Yes, all those nights of studying doesn't help my sleeping cycle and when I did decide to finally fall asleep last night, the task becomes a struggle. Dreaming is even more tiresome when they would soon be plagued by him; our last night together, his kisses and his warmth. At first my heart would soar to the sky, then it would instantly plummet the ground when my bitterness shatters the spell.

You would think that being on separate continents and having no communication for five years, I would get over that pathetic arshloch by now. Sadly, I have been sorely mistaken and now Shinji has been invading my thoughts 24/7 up to the point of me considering the option of hopping onto a plane for Japan and apologise for leaving things so messy between us.

The thoughts on my former flatmate were dismissed by my mobile politely indicating to me that I had received a message. Going into inbox, my lips curled into a smile when I realised who had sent it.

_**Good luck 4 ur test but I kno th u don't need it bcoz u're Asuka Zeppelin! C u 2nite. Luv James xoxox**_

A guilty tear almost managed to creep itself out of my eye, until my pride got in the way and forced me to squeeze my eyes shut with the number one question invading my mind.

_Do I follow my head, or do I follow my heart?_

The decision is a not an easy one to make and it should NEVER be made on the spot when the person has no time to consider the consequences. However, I'm not the kind to think that far ahead and so I made my prerogative, I didn't choose the latter. Meaning I wouldn't leave for Japan today and instead I would finish my final exam and graduate college again. Besides I shouldn't even be thinking about Shinji, not when I have James.

Now that must be a shocker to hear, me romantically involved with another man while I still think about another. Thinking about it reminds me of that poorly written soapie cliche crap I use to watch as a teenager. Contemplating about this situation also reminds of what a disgusting woman that I am, filling me with shame to admit the sins that I have committed to James. Every night my heart is filled with guilt of sleeping peacefully in James' arms while I dream of Shinji and the _"What ifs?"_ that came along during that night.

What if I didn't push him away? What if he decided to chase after me? What if we actually went further?

In some dreams, I confess that I love him. In others, he confesses that he loves me and in the worse case scenarios neither of us say anything, instead we were fuelled by animal instinct. It is in those dreams that I hate myself the most.

"Here's your late and choc-chip cookie. Don't worry about paying, I'll ask you for it later. Now if I were you, I'd run!" Amal came rushing to me with my order.

_Has it really become that late?_ I checked my watch. _Oh crap, it's officially eighteen minutes until my exam! _

"Shies! Danke Amal. You're a lifesaver." Quickly throwing my notes and mobile phone into it black messenger bag, which over the years had collected assorted badges & charms, I also put on my denim jacket. Finally placing the bag over my shoulder, Amal handed me handed my coffee and cookie. "I owe you one. C'ya later!" And I ran as fast as humanly possible.

"Be careful," she called after my retreating form causing to me smile. Even though she had the same exterior as me, Amal reminded me a lot of Hikari.

"Ich bin zu hause!" I yelled, listening to my cry as it echoed through the walls of the apartment.

"Willkommen zu hause, Asuka," was the reply I had been waiting for. "So how did it go?"

My lips curled into another smile. Typical James, always more concerned about my well being than his.

"Wunderbar. I managed to answer all the questions and completed both essays with time to spare." Smirking to myself, I changed into my ridiculously short denim shorts and dark blue singlet.

James knows that I like to complete things in a limited amount of time with minutes to spare, although he believes that it only boosts my already big enough ego as it is. I suppose he's right, of course I'll never admit that to him.

A groan could be heard from the kitchen. "That must have made you really happy. Although, it only boosts your ego even more..."

See what I mean?

"Of course after all, I am the great Asuka Zeppelin!" I countered playfully whilst trying not to sound too conceited before I began arranging my chest-length hair into a high ponytail.

_I need another hair cut soon. Maybe I'll dye it again too,_ I thought. The colour of my hair is thought to be the name of wild cherry or also known as Madagascar, but I would describe as dark mixed with purple whilst having a red tint at the same time. A bizarre choice of colour, I must admit when changing my hair colour, but it's unique. Just like me.

Many who would've known me for my auburn red locks would probably be either shocked or disappointed that I got rid of such a beautiful colour considering I always bragged about it, but now I loathed the thought of that colour. It wasn't the redness itself that I hated, instead what it symbolised- my burning anger, my raging spirit, my past and _her_.

So a few days after coming back to Germany I came to the decision of dyeing it, because really, I'm tired always looking the same. Besides, why shouldn't I be entitled to changing my appearance once in a while? Why should I stay the same way just because of everyone's expectations? It's my decision and I don't care how the others feel because I don't need anybody's approval but my own!

_Chill Asuka. You don't want to get into a hissy fit, know do you?_

No, definitely not the way to begin celebrations. Walking out of the bedroom, I made my way to the kitchen to properly greet James.

"So how was your day anyway?" Giving him a soft kiss, I quickly pulled back to listen to his response.

"Pretty good, I've got a job interview on Monday and it looks promising."

"Mein gott that's wunderbar," wrapping my arms around him in excitement. James recently finished his final massage degree a few weeks ago and has been looking for a job ever since. Searching continuously for someone to give him a chance to prove that he was good at his position. All his hardwork is finally paying off. "See I knew that you could do it, dummkopf."

James gave a small chuckle as he nuzzled his face further into the crook of my neck, but it must've been hard for him considering he was almost 6ft 2. "Yeah, you did..."

I instantly detected the sadness in his tone. "What's wrong?" I asked, pulling back to look at him properly in the eye. However, James did not want to return the favour- instead, he suddenly found the black & white tiles of our kitchen walls to be incredibly fascinating.

"James..." I tried not to wince at my predator's tone.

_I'm sorry James,_ my heart apologised. _You know that I hate using this voice as much as you do._ With the way my voice was pitched, I would be constantly reminded me of the days when my persona was of an obnoxious bitch. Not that I've changed that much anyway.

"I got a call today from my father." Now I really did wince.

James came to Germany during the second semester when I was nineteen. Originally he was from America, but he came to Germany after being tired from having to listen to his father's rants on how he should run his life. Before we moved in together, James lived with his grandparents and although he's of German descent, his pronounciation of the language had been appalling. Luckily for him, because I had lived in America during my Eva training, I knew how to speak English and I had been able to teach him to speak proper German.

His grandparents wouldn't stop thanking me for improving his language the first time I met them; they seemed truly grateful. I remember saying to them what I always said to him whenever he complained about it being too hard: _"James, when in Rome do what the Romans do- at least try adjust to its language!"_ Just like Misato had always told me.

"And what did he say?" I already knew that this was bad.

"Grandma Lilly..." his voice had become so hoarse and struggled that simply hearing it made my heart ache.

"Look you don't have to-"

"She's been diagnosed with cancer."

My heart felt like it had become constricted, ripped out from my chest and then crushed by the massive hand of Unit 02. "Oh James, I'm..." There was nothing I could say to comfort him, so I simply held him.

"I'll be leaving for America soon to see her," he whispered into my ear while I surpressed the urge to shiver.

Damn my nerves, too sensitive for their own good! I tend to become squirmy when one of my sensitive spots is teased at, which made it difficult for me to stand still.

"Of course you have to."

"No. I mean... I'll be leaving tomorrow night."

"What?" I pulled back from him. "But I thought you said that you had a job interview on Monday."

Guilt flooded in his features. I definitely did not like where this is going. "Well Asuka. This thing is... you see... the job interview is in America."

What? No, this can't be happening. Flashes of my parents & Kaji appeared in my mind, each feeling as though my heart was being slashed by glass.

_No, not again. I can't lose someone I love, again!_

If my heart was lucky enough to have survived from the earlier news, it sure as hell doesn't have much of a chance now.

"Oh," was the only thing that came out of my mouth.

_This is not happening. This is all a bad dream that you're going to wake from at any moment now._ Hearing my pathetic attempts of self-comfort, my throat started to feel sore and speaking had become difficult without gasping from a lack of breathe. _NEIN! You are NOT about to cry! Do you hear me; You are NOT about to cry! _

Unfortunately, the saying- _"Easier said than done,"_ proved to be quite accurate for this moment. I tried my best to be strong and not break down in front of James, really, I did. Of course, then James had to speak.

"Asuka, I-"

"So you're leaving me, aren't you?" interrupting him, I didn't want to hear those words escape his mouth.

I didn't want to accept it coming from him. Yet saying them myself wasn't any easier for me, I soon realised, and then for as long as I could remember, a tear finally succeeded at escaping its prison. Slowly the offending droplet slivered down my cheek and rested on my chin, however, I was too focused on James to wipe it away. When he didn't respond I knew that my worst fears were being confirmed.

James: A man whom I let close to my heart. A man whom I loved and cared for, now abandoning me. Leaving me to drown within the seas of loneliness & sorrow that ironically, he had once saved me from.

_This is what you get for following your head._

Damn that inner voice of mine!

Burying my face into his chest, I shook my head furiously while the tears flowed, quietly screaming about the injustices of my life. Fuck it if my mascara was running or was ruining his favourite shirt or that I looked like a complete fool. And definitely fuck him for not holding me the way he's supposed to!

James always promised me that he'd never leave me before holding me in his arms and telling those three little words that I have always longed to hear. But now, none of that matters at all because he's broken his promise and it's breaking my heart.

So I'm entitled to feel a little pissed off, right?


	3. Insensitive

Before we begin this next chapter, let it be known to all that I, Water-Star, did not and I'll repeat, did NOT, in anyway write this next chapter. This has been written by the very talented Eric Blair and this chapter is portrayed in Shinji's perspective, therefore I had nothing to do with this. While I've completed my own chapter (Asuka's POV), I will not be posting it up for at least a week or two, just so everyone can take the time to appreciate this piece of fine literature. Anyway, I hope you'll all enjoy it!

* * *

__

Oh, I really should've known

By the time you drove me home

By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual goodbyes

By the chill in your embrace

The expression on your face that told me

Maybe you might have some advice to give

On how to be insensitive.

Oh, you probably won't remember me

It's probably ancient history

I'm one of the chosen few

Who went ahead and fell for you

I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch

I fell too fast, I feel too much

I thought that you might have, some advice to give

On how to be insensitive

_Insensitive-_ Jann Arden

* * *

_"Shinji, it's Mana. Are you there?"_

People always tell you that the end of the world would be bathed in blood, thunder and lightning, screams and darkness.

_"Of course you're not there. You're never there. At least not for me."_

How can you tell someone you're with them simply because they remind you of a long lost love? How can you stare at their face and tell them that the person you love the most is not her? Rather, she's just a convenient fill for that void that makes you wake up in the middle of the night, get up and out of your bed while feeling your chest ache as though someone dumped a few cubic tons of pressure on in it?

_"Look, I didn't want to do this over the phone..."_ She continued thru the line, I can hear her choke a sob and I know that this is hard for her.

_"...but it's not like you've given me any choice."_

Unfortunately, I can't seem to care enough lately.

* * *

"Hey Shinji, there you are."

The false cheeriness on Touji's voice did little to make Shinji look away from the glass. He was holding onto as if it were a life line, staring intently into the bottom of the dark amber liquid that filled it to the middle.

"What do you want, Touji?" Shinji said humourless as he downed the glass in just one gulp and signaled the barkeep for another. "Did _Mom_ send you here to keep tabs with me? Make sure I get home nice and safe?"

"Actually, Misato has no clue about what you do on your spare time." Touji said calmly, not rising to the bait Shinji threw. Jamming his hands into the pockets of his jeans, Touji rocked back and forth, expecting for Shinji to push the issue. When Shinji simply stared at the new glass and said nothing else, Touji sighed, scratched the back of his neck and finally took a seat.

"Hey man, I heard about what happened with Mana. Sorry."

Shinji snorted into his glass. "Why should you apologise for that?" He took a quick gulp from the glass and turned to Touji, a smirk on his face. "It's not like it was your fault, and besides," he shrugged stupidly, smiling and an awful pathetic smile at that. "I'm the one who always says he's sorry; if it's raining, I'm sorry. If it's too hot, I'm sorry. If I crushed your entry plug and forced you to wear an artificial leg until the day you die, guess what? I'm sorry."

He took another drink form his glass before punctuating every word. "That's all I'm good for, saying _'I'm sorry'_ right? That's what she always said."

"Look man; it's been a longtime since she left, you've had more than enough time to let it go and forgi-"

"YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!" Shinji screamed, looking up to Touji's surprised face as his hand, grasping the glass, trembled with the effort, with the rage and the hurt and everything in between. "You think I haven't thought about this? You think that I don't know that every single relationship I've had and has ended like Mana is because of me and _her_?"

Touji wanted to say something, but decided to keep quiet. Knowing that at times like this, what Shinji wanted was to let it all out, to express all the repressed feelings he had to keep bottled, all the rage he had felt when he had found out in the worst possible way after-

It had been a hard time for Shinji then, and only the combined efforts of both Kensuke and Himself, of Rei and Hikari and Misato had helped him thru that had time. Afterwards Shinji had become quite different; he had made the transition from a shy, easily scared child into a taciturn hard ass; he had stopped getting together with the group, only going out to school, and then locking himself in his room, listening to a red Sdat tape over and over and over.

Misato had been worried. Rei had insisted something was wrong with him. It all took a turn for the worst one day when the blue-haired girl had entered into the apartment and had seen Shinji slumped on the bathroom floor; an opened bottle of pills sprawled around, foam forming at his mouth. Shinji had to be rushed to the nearest hospital and have his stomach pumped.

Afterwards, Shinji quickly breezed through school and got an early acceptance at Tokyo-3 University, working part time with Fuyutsuki who had resigned his position within NERV to go back and work there; with his new found independence, he had moved out from Misato's flat and gotten small one room apartment nearby to come and go to school and work.

Touji had heard about Shinji being found progressively in the many bars that were around the campus, drunk out of his mind. In fact, he had heard Kensuke had ran into Shinji telling about how he had blood shot eyes and dark circles under them, how thin he seemed, how all of him screamed at being spiraling out of control.

Rei had taken it upon herself to try and help Shinji in any way possible, she had began spending time with him, invited him over to eat or would stop by from her own classes and bring him some lunch. One of her classmates, a pretty red head named Mana Kirishima had begun to tag along. She had told Rei that she thought Shinji was cute, so Rei arranged a meeting with the two of them and for a while it all seemed to be going ok.

Until one day when Shinji had come to the weekly dinner Hikari & Touji had and they had broken the news about getting married. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that Hikari would want to have Asuka here. And that opened a can of old dead worms.

Rei had noticed Shinji's slip and Hikari had asked him if there was anything she should tell her.

"If you see her tell her that," Shinji had said, stopping to think of a suitable thing to say. "That you've seen me way better than before, and that I have some by my side who has made me fall in love." He finished, looking over to where Mana and Rei were talking in hushed tones, as the pretty red head turned and winked at Shinji.

He ordered another drink and continued his speech to Hikari, while Touji placed his hand on her shoulder, silently giving her his support. "That the days have been passing by and I haven't really noticed. I haven't lost any sleep over her and actually I have forgotten everything about her."

Then there had been one time he had been over at Misato's and she had mentioned Asuka in passing; Shinji had begun drinking her ever present Yebisu beer at an alarming rate, almost as if he were playing a sort of perverted race against his former guardian. Misato had asked him if everything was all right at that moment, right then and there.

"If you are asking about me and Asuka, then yeah, everything's peachy." Shinji had answered as he popped open another can. "In fact why don't you tell her that I'm really fine, never better. Maybe she thinks that I'm dying because she's not here, but she's wrong."

Shotgunning the beer and throwing the can carelessly towards the general direction of the trash can he continued undauntedly. "Tell her that in the end of it all, I'll be very thankful for everything, but you know what, on second thought... tell her you don't see me anymore."

And with that, he walked out of the apartment, leaving both Misato and Rei to watch the door closing behind him.

Over the course of the year and half since Asuka had left, he had said the same thing with variants: he was no longer up all night waiting for the call that Asuka never made, that he was no longer awake in the early hours of the day, he no longer remembered her and he no longer missed her as well. That he was cured from it all. That everything that had happened was in the past.

But now, Touji could hear his words echoing again...

* * *

"I know she's coming back Touji," Shinji said stiffly. "A blind guy could see it from a three hundred yard mark, so yeah, when you see her on the rehearsal dinner tell her that I'm very well"

"Yeah, I can see that."

"Well it's true." Shinji nodded to himself. "Never better."

"Better. Right," Touji said half-heartedly as Shinji slipped into a drunken stupor, and all he could do to help. All he could offer at this moment was to be with his friend when Shinji went over to one of the many bars where he would get so drunk he would end up snoring on the bar, in the middle of his own vomit.

* * *

_"lt's been three months now, and I've never even seen your apartment."_

I glance at the machine, and then stupidly look around, and thru my drunken haze I realise she is, in fact, right. I leave in the morning to work, then when I get out go out to hit the bar and I get drunk, so drunk that I can't remember how much I've drank, or when I have no more money to pay. I'll zig-zag back home and plop on my bed, and ignore any blinks in the answering machine, praying for any tip of deliverance to avoid waking up the following day. Only to come to wake up with a pounding headache and the notion that I have to go to work to keep a semblance that everything is all right in my life. Even if it's all falling apart.

_"Every time we sleep together, I wake up in the morning alone."_

There was a time when everything was nice, but I knew deep inside of me it was all a lie; the posturing, the lying, smiling thru my teeth to keep her happy, to keep her with me because she reminded me so much of her that every time I saw her face, I ran my fingers thru her red hair, I gazed upon her green eyes. I would imagine her hair longer, and the eyes would be an intense, electric-blue instead.

_"I mean."_ There's another pause and I can now hear her openly crying, the hot salty tears on her troath as she tries to save what little there is of her own self-esteem. _"Kami, where do you go at 3:00 in the morning?"_

Until it became too unbearable to keep on with the lie. Until I knew that no matter how often I bit her shoulder while dying inside of her, or muffled my screams with the pillow after having sex with her. I always choked on the well known three syllables that made her name, and I began to notice the look in her eyes, and I began to realise I just didn't care anymore.

_"I thought that if I waited, if I was patient enough, you'd let me in."_

I thought so too. I thought that if I kept telling myself that no matter what I would learn to forgive, I would come back to you to say _'I'm sorry'_ and I would then be able to let go.

_"That we'd take our relationship to the next level."_

That she would then stop haunting me like a goddamn ghost. Forever smirking down at me, her arms crossed and hair flapping in the wind with those cruel yet beautiful eyes that seem to follow me everywhere I look and everywhere I turn- in my mind, in my dreams, in the silent and still black night.

_"Then I realised that this is the next level."_

I think this happened a week ago, when I was told-

_"Goodbye, Shinji."_

That _she_ was coming back.

_"I hope you find what you're looking for."_

"Maybe she's coming back here, hoping I'll still wait for her on hand and foot, but that's not the case. Tell her that I'm really thankful for what she did," Shinji continued after a moment of recollection, while Touji slid a few yen notes to the barkeep to signal his friend was over for tonight.

"Better yet, why don't I simply tell her I haven't seen you lately?" Touji mumbled as he half-carried/half-dragged Shinji with his left arm around Shinji's torso, while Shinji's own right arm was around Touji's neck.

"Yeah, that's even better." Shinji nodded and almost hit his head on the door of the bar. "Tell her that I've been lost and never coming back. And tell her that if she calls me, I won't answer her back."

He was rocking himself now, his eyes were burning and he was talking oh-so softly. Touji had to strain both his ears & neck to actually hear his friend.

"So yeah, tell her that I'm doing great."

_Although I'm really not._

Touji had been friends with Shinji for so long that he was able to pick on the unspoken words and feelings the boy had, especially when it came to a certain red headed girl.

"And that I've never been better."

_Lie a little please._

It was in his voice; how it wavered, how it broke and how it went from rash and ragged into a soft whimper in no time at all.

"And if that conceited bitch actually thinks that I'm hurting inside because she's not here with me, she's wrong."

_Don't lie to her anymore._

It was in the way his hands trembled and his fingers clenched at something that wasn't there, almost as if he wanted to make himself aware that he was still here, and still without her.

"Tell her that actually I have to thank her for that."

_Even if I'm all alone._

It was in how he would look at the girls passing by when at school, and how he would immediately be fixated on those that had obvious dyed hair, but whose colour was still so much similar to that familiar shade of reddish brown. How his eyes would zero in on those girls who had blue yes, even if his interest would be piqued, and he would look for but a second before his face would fall before it instantly became again the hard stone mask he had been wearing for so long.

"I've never been better in my whole life."

_Please, lie a bit for my sake._

_No._ Touji thought as he opened the door to Shinji's small apartment and placed him in bed, as a tattered picture fell from underneath the pillow where Shinji's head was now lying. _I think it would be better if I told Asuka I haven't seen you anymore._

Silently, Touji placed the picture of a younger and happy looking Asuka & Shinji; the girl giving her friend a playful head lock and both smiling as he had never seen them doing, into Shinji's night counter before he let himself out.

And as Shinji felt into a deep and uneasy slumber, the last word he said before sleep claimed him was precisely her name.

"Asuka."

* * *


	4. Big girls don't cry

_The smell of your skin lingers on me now  
You're probably on your flight back to your home town  
I need some shelter of my own protection baby  
To be with myself and centre  
Clarity, peace, serenity  
I hope you know, I hope you know  
That this has nothing to do with you  
It's personal, myself and I  
We've got some straightenin' out to do  
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket  
But I've got to get a move on with my life  
It's time to be a big girl now  
And big girls don't cry_

_**Big girls don't cry**_- Fergie

"I think you've had enough now, Asuka." Amal had said, speaking to me in a motherly tone. It was a gentle suggestion I know, but right at that present moment I didn't feel like complying with her request.

"I'm fine." I mumbled stubbornly, downing another shot. A disgusted look slashed into my tired features after I swallowed. **_Gott, I'm pathetic._** My mind concluded for me.**_ Drinking myself stupid over some guy._** No, that wasn't true. James wasn't just some random guy whom I just simply decided to date one day, he was different from the other men and no I am _NOT_ exaggerating when I say that! Unlike the rest of the German male population, James treated me as an intelligent being and wanted to be with me not for my physical appearance or he simply saw me as an easy piece of fine ass (of course he's seen me deal with men like that before), but because of what made me be Asuka Zeppelin.

Whenever I wanted to talk about the most trivial matters, he would listen. Whenever I was in one of my bitchy moods and people were beginning to find me unpleasant, he would be patient. And whenever I had a horrible nightmare that led me to the state of tears, he would simply hold me. No questions asked, his embrace whispered, James was just that kind of guy. So it's not surprising to say why I fell in love with him, he made me feel safe. With him, I felt like no one could harm me because I knew that I could always rely on him, that he would always be there to protect me from any danger. To me, James was the AT field to my Eva.

Okay bizarre choice for a metaphor I admit, but it's fitting.

"No, you're NOT fine!" Amal stated, placing her hands on her hips. Uh-oh, she's about to give me a lecture. "Here you are destroying your liver by drowning yourself in tequila just because he said that he was going for a job interview in another country and said that if he got it, he wanted you to come."

Hearing her point out my childish behavior left me wincing. Amal was right, it had taken James nearly five minutes to calm me down and let him finish with the rest of his news which was yes, that he was going to America for a few days and he said that if he got the job he'd move, but he wanted me to come along with him. I should have been happy when he said that and yet I wasn't. For some reason I just couldn't find myself to smile or give James a response of any kind. Instead I simply walked into our room, changed into some warmer clothes, packed my belongings into my messenger bag, and I left the apartment. No good-bye or anything.

Gott, I'm such a bitch.

Noticing my sudden quietness, she continued in a more softer tone. "I don't get Asuka, I thought you would be happy that he's willing to commit. You've been wanting this for so long."

That's true, I have been wanting James to commit for over a year and now I have the chance, so why aren't I happy? This has been something that I've wanted for a long time, but now I'm not so sure. I guess that annoying little cliché saying is true- _The grass **is** no greener on the other side!_

Damn it what's wrong with me? I finally have the opportunity to obtain happiness by being with the kind of guy whom I have always wanted and hoped for, the chance to begin a new life. So why aren't I happy? Suddenly I felt anger surge into my veins; I love James, I want to be with him forever and now I can be, but I feel no joy at the thought.

_**Why? What's wrong with me? What's going on? Why aren't I happy? I should be, I deserve it, but I'm not. Why? WHY!? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?! **_

I found myself debating, forgetting that it was futile. **_I think the bigger question is, Asuka; Does James even make you happy?_** The other part of my mind asked, proving me wrong. The way it was asked in such a haunting tone that it brought up an issue I had never even considered. An epiphany struck the back of my mind like a sledgehammer to concrete and left my stomach feeling nauseous, "Kimochi warui."

"Excuse me?" Amal asked, raising an eyebrow. I didn't realize that I had just spoken in Japanese.

"I feel sick." I repeated, this time in German. Covering my hands over my mouth, I got up from my seat and ran to Amal's bathroom.

And there goes my dignity.

* * *

Morning. 

The beginning of day.

Another terrible day, I wish this wasn't so... **_Being a bit over dramatic there aren't we, Asuka?_**

"I suppose," came my mumbled reply.

_**Wunderbar, I'm talking to myself out loud! **_

Now it's official, I've become schizophrenic. Get out the streamers and balloons people because we're going to have a parade, a black parade. I can see it now: I'll announce for those to see _'Welcome To The Black Parade.'_ Original, I know.

I suppose it shouldn't be that surprising I would finally one day be declared crazy, after all I did pilot a gigantic red mecha that incidentally possessed the soul of my late mother against beings that were supposedly meant to be messengers from God. With a job like that there was bound to be some issues, I'm just surprised that my insanity it didn't occur any sooner by let's just say... nine years or so! Am I right or am I right?

Of course I'm right, I'm Asuka Zeppelin for Gott's sake.

_**Nice to know that I'm back to my conceited old self. **_

"All is right with the world." I mumbled sarcastically, rolling over on my right side. I really didn't feel like getting up or waking for that matter. Sadly, fate was against me.

"Rise and shine, Asuka. Come on, up and ready!" Amal yelled cheerfully busting into the room and ripping open the blinds. I yelped as I felt my eyes adjust to the sudden light. "Usually I'd let you stay for breakfast, but James is leaving this tonight and you need to talk to him before he leaves. Plus, I don't think you're really in the mood for bacon & eggs, do you?"

A groan escaped my lips and my body harshly shuddered at the thought of food, a laugh could be heard. After finally accomplishing my goal of finding the exit from underneath my blanket, I looked into her lilac eyes and gave her my _'You are so going to die slowly & painfully'_ stare. Usually that scares most people when they know that its coming from me, but apparently no one ever bothered to tell me that it doesn't work when you have a hangover. "Oh you think you're sooooooooo funny. Bitch."

Amal just laughed again.

* * *

If you have ever had an argument with a family member which has left you so infuriated, so irrational; that the best solution was storming out of your home to give you and that person the time to cool off. If you have then I'm sure you will understand the shitty feeling you get when you actually have to return. 

_**Gott why me?** _

The only words my brain was capable of mustering as I continued to stare at the front door of our apartment. Should I knock or simply enter? I must admit, it was the most interesting dilemma I had ever heard of and if it had been anybody else's, like the cruel bitch that I am, I would have laughed my ass off at that unfortunate person and then call them a dumb ass for worrying over such a stupid thing. Of course when it's suddenly you that has to face the task, you're quick to realise that karma tends to bite back.

All this standing around is getting me nowhere. The left part of my brain, being the calculating side, was right incidentally. Standing in front of our apartment and trying to find a solution for this problem has been as practical as me banging my head against a brick wall. **_Nice use of terminology, Asuka._** With a small sigh, I unzipped the main section of my messenger bag and began searching for my keys, however, the task proved to be easier said than done and I soon found myself throwing my bag onto the ground.

"Stupid fucking keys," I grumbled.

**_Great that's all you need._** My mind addressing me in a sarcastic tone. **_Way to go and get yourself in a bad mood Asuka, you egotistical idiot!_** And before you ask why I did not respond to the insults, I'll have you know that it is an incredibly fascinating experience to listen to your inner voice be insulting towards you. Never in my young life have I thought of it as actually being possible.

I needed to calm down before looking for my keys again, so I began counting from one to ten in Japanese while crouching down onto the cold concrete floor, searching through my bag as I did. "Ichi... Ni... San... Shi... Go... Roku... Nana... Hachi... Ku... To... AHA!" Yelling in triumph when I finally found them. A small smirk plastered itself onto my features as I removed the keys from my bag and I began to look for the one which would open welcome me into my home. However, before I could place the right key into the keyhole, the door suddenly opened and I came face-to-face with James himself.

An uncomfortable silence drifted between us and the sound of nothingness was beginning to pound against my mind. I know that the human mind tends to over exaggerate things when one is dealing with either guilt or fear, but the fast rhythmic beating of my heart was becoming so intense that I was almost certain that my ear drums would explode at any second from the extreme pressure. Another moment and I couldn't take it anymore, so I spoke. "James, I'm-"

Unfortunately, I couldn't continue with my apology because James had already pulled me into a hug. "Damn it Asuka, I've been so worried about you!" He really tried to sound like a stern parent scolding their child for running away. Of course, it came out mumbled because he was speaking mostly into my hair.

"I know. I shouldn't of left like that," I admitted sheepishly, burying myself deeper into his embrace. Guilt flooded my body as James' words continuously replayed in my mind. **_He was worried about me!_** I couldn't believe it. I was the one at fault, the one who walked out and yet here he is, clutching onto me like a little child who desperately missed their blanket.

"How did I ever get lucky enough to have a guy like you?" I whispered. The question wasn't intentionally for James to answer, it was meant for me, but for some reason James must have felt compelled to answer it.

"You're Asuka Zeppelin, the renowned Second Child of Evangelion Unit 02 and the warrior of the Angel Wars. You were bound to have a little good luck after sacrificing so much," pulling away from me when he answered. A small smile found its way to his lips and slowly managed to creep its way into his beautiful midnight blue eyes.

Maybe that was one of the reasons, apart from his kindness & compassion, that I fell in love with James. Maybe it was something in his eyes that I could find solace in; to be reassured that no matter how terrible things had gotten during the day, if I could look into those deep blue eyes and feel as though nothing was bothering me, then everything would be alright.

**_The same feeling you got whenever you looked into Shinji's._**

I advise you not to listen to what my mind has got to say as she is a very talented liar and you would never be able to figure whether she is telling the truth or not. While the narrator in me finds lying to be a despicable act so I know you will be able to believe her when she says that I resent that little fact of me being reminded of Shinji's eyes. It's not true, honestly... my mind simply loves to taunt me.

**_You're lying, Asuka._**

No I'm not because if I were lying, then people would believe that I'm not, accepted my truth and let the subject go.

_**You truly are in denial. **_

I had no sharp response to bite back at for that comment because James had already spoken again, interrupting my prepared rebuttal. "I was about to go outside searching for you when Amal called me. I would've gone over to see if you were okay but she told me that you had been drinking," he sounded regretful that he didn't come to my aid but we both knew that he had an obligation to stay away from me if I'm drunk.

I love James. He's my boyfriend and I know that he would never take advantage of me, but for some bizarre reason I didn't want him to see me like that. Maybe it's because I'm afraid I would say something that would jeopardize our relationship, or the thought of him seeing me in such a state of vulnerability. I can recall Amal once mentioning to me during one campus party that when she saw me drunk, I had reminded her of a stranded puppy. At first I was offended that she had described my drunkenness to be something so disgustingly needy, but after waking up with a hangover the next morning, Amal's words had been absorbed into my brain and I realised that she was right.

Of course after meeting James, I haven't been to a campus party in years. When I first begun dating him I remember telling Amal one day that I was no longer going to attend those kind of outings, let alone drink. Last night had been the first time in almost three years and that was because he was leaving for his home country. It's ironic when I think about it because I had left Shinji without any warning to go to my home country and yet James told me that he was leaving Germany for his home. Fuck, he even invited me to come with him! With Shinji, I gave him nothing; no opportunity, no good-bye, nothing whatsoever.

Gott, I really am a bitch!

"Danke," I replied softly, again burying my head into his chest. All five of my senses took place as they pointed out to me all the little details that made me fall in love with James.

_**Sight?** _

I have to admit that one of things that had first attracted me to James was his good looks and I'm not ashamed to admit that. His hair was sandy-blonde and short enough that if I ran my fingers though it, it would instantly spike up as well those luscious lips that I have bruised many times during our make-out sessions. James also enjoys sport so I can safely say that he is quite toned, with skin as tanned as mine and those beautiful midnight blue eyes that always make me feel my defenses crumble away.

_**Smell?** _

His scent was clean & crisp and yet, there was still a faint sweetness to it. Probably from the new soap that we've been using.

_**Sound?** _

Although the first time I had met James, both his accent & German vocabulary had been god awful, he's improved a lot since and now I find solace from listening to his accent, a mixture from both German and American influences.

_**Taste?** _

Well I can't really taste anything at this precise moment but whenever I kiss James, I can tell you that the taste of ginger & chocolate would stain my lips for days on end.

_**Touch?** _

Just being in James' embrace made me feel protected, as if no harm can ever come to me and it was enough for me to know all was forgiven.

"I don't know about you but I'm starving," James said, pulling back from our embrace so he could look at me in the eye. "Let's go inside and I'll make you something to eat. Do pancakes sound good?"

"Pancakes sounds great," I admitted, a smile crept onto my lips as I followed behind him. He's so wonderful, I don't deserve him. My body seemed to freeze as I remembered the revelation that had hit me like a ton of bricks last night. **_I don't deserve to be with James..._**

Schiest, I forgot about _that_ little epiphany.

For once in my fucking life, my inner voice was right. I've never had the courage until last night to admit to myself that I didn't deserve James, nor did I deserve to be his girlfriend or be apart of his life all together. Not once in our four years of being together have I made it easy for James to get something out of me such as the time he asked me about my childhood or the other time when he tried to learn a little bit more about my experiences as an Eva pilot.

Never I have wanted to treat people like shit, after all that's one of the reasons why I moved back to Germany so I could start over, but once again I've managed to completely fuck everything up. I suppose that other little cliché saying is true- _Old habits **do** die hard._

"Is something wrong?" James asked after realising that I had stopped following him. A warm sensation drifted through me when I noticed his concern, I shook my head in response.

"No. Everything's fine," I responded, although deep down I was sure that he knew I was lying.

Why did my inner voice have to be right for once?

* * *

"James, we need to talk." 

"Do we have to do it now? I mean, can't we wait until I come back from America?"

James looked genuinely regretful about the thought of this discussion; he knew that it was necessary, yet he wanted to prolong it. I do too, but it's not fair to either him or me by trying to avoid the subject.

"No," I replied. "We really need to talk now." James winced, silently knowing that this conversation was inevitable. "There's something I haven't told you yet and it's really important that I tell you now before you go."

He looked terrified, not that I could blame him with the way I was going on; making it look as though I were sentencing to death by a firing squad. Sitting down on the couch, James followed my action. Looking at his facial expression, I suddenly felt the need to draw my knees close to my chest, whilst feeling strangely vulnerable at the same time.

How inconvenient.

"James," I paused, why does this seem so hard? "The other day I received an email from my close friend, Hikari. You know about her; she lives in Japan, I've known her since we were fourteen." He nodded, showing that he acknowledged Hikari's existence making it easier for me to continue. "Well she's engaged now and she wants me to be the maid of honour."

It would be an understatement if I said that James was relieved, he breathed out and chuckled, trying to shake off the uneasiness of before. Seeing his reaction left a scratching ache inside my heart. He thinks that the only thing I have to tell him.

"Jeez Asuka, here I was thinking that you were going to say that you're not coming to America with me."

Ouch! Now I feel really guilty.

James noticed my cringe, "You're not coming with me to America if I get this job?"

At that moment, I regretted bringing up the subject at all, but I can't continue to lead him on like this. James deserved so much better. "To be honest, I'm not sure."

"Oh," I could see the disappointment in his eyes, my mind silently begged me to take those words back until finally I had to silence those screams; finishing the rest of what I had to say. "James, I can't come with you to America because I have to go to Japan to help Hikari organise her wedding and that'll take months!"

It's true, I won't be able to go to America with James if I help Hikari organise her wedding. His facial expression showed me that he understood, looking relieved, however, I knew that I had to keep continuing. I couldn't raise his hopes. "James, you do understand that if this does happen; you move to America while I live in Japan, it'll be strenuous on our relationship."

James nodded, showing that he understood what I was trying to point out. "You want me to give you some time to think about whether you'll come with me to America or not?"

"Yes." I could see sadness beginning to settle in his eyes again yet at the same time they were also filled with understanding, and hope?

"So how much time do you need?"

"The wedding is in four months. I'll come up with my decision by then."

James nodded. I knew he wasn't happy at the thought of waiting that long, yet I could tell that he was relieved that I was giving this careful consideration and not jumping into it as I usually do.

"Alright, I'll give you exactly four months and I want a decision not a day afterwards, do you hear me?" Once again he tried to sound like a stern parent but the slight smile on the corner of his lips gave him away.

"Thank you," I whispered, pulling him into an embrace.

"I really want us to work out and if that means giving you time, then that's what I'll do."

* * *

He's gone now. 

Probably on his flight back to America and although he's been gone for nearly two hours, I feel as though all our time together was nothing but sweet make-believe stories made up by my own mind as a way for me to sleep easier at night; my subconscious tricking me into thinking that there's someone out there that actually loves me.

Of course it only makes you realise just also how unfair life really is; that the hardest difficulty of your life is longer than the easier part of your life. A good example of this would be person walking up a huge hill: although it can take the person half an hour to finally get up there, it'll only take less than a minute to get to the bottom. Another one would be a wife and her husband, even though they may have been married for thirty years or so and had the children and everything else that establishes the "apple pie" life, none of that would matter in that single moment when the wife places her signature on that divorce paper. See? Life really is unfair.

A cold breeze brushed against the nape of my neck, forcing me to pull the edges of my hooded-jacket to cover the exposed skin, why I did not simply zip up my jacket, I do not know. Maybe it wasn't the cold that was making me shiver. Maybe it was the thought of what I said to James just before he left.

* * *

_"James, if you meet somebody over there, if you think that there's could be something special..." I really didn't want to continue with what I had to say, thankfully he got the message. _

_"You want me to take it," he said it as a statement, not a question. _

_I nodded, not being able to trust my voice. James gave me a sad look; quietly telling me that he didn't want to do what I was asking him to do, and yet at the same time, his facial descriptions showed that he couldn't bare the thought of not granting me this final wish until we met again in four months time. _

_"Alright Asuka, I promise. But the same goes for you." _

* * *

I wonder what he meant when he said that. Well obviously he was saying that I shouldn't allow myself to miss out on the opportunity if I was offered the chance to find happiness with another person, which is most unlikely because I know that our relationship will be able to survive this long-distance challenge, thank you very much! 

Yet, I still wonder...

I never believed Shinji when he told me that I talked in my sleep because in my opinion as a fourteen year old, it led me to assume that Shinji pointing out my flaws was simply the quickest opportunity for him to use. In my eyes it had provided my co-worker the perfect chance to escape from the embarrassing situation which he had led himself into. That was how I saw it. Until Amal asked me one morning while we were still living together, why was I crying out for my Mama.

_**Do I still mumble in my sleep? **_

Most likely, sleep-talking is a sign of trauma, or whatever may be causing stress. I haven't been bothered to deal with my emotional issues so I know for sure that I won't be sleeping normally anytime soon. **_Does James know about Shinji?_** Gott, I really hope not. I know that I have a tendency for having dreams of us being together, but I'm certain that they have never led me to the state of saying his name out loud.

Of course I can't make that judgment, only James can and unfortunately, he's on his flight back home to America and I won't be able to receive his answer for at least four months.

**_I knew that I had something to do! _**Frustration at my forgetfulness led me into slamming my right palm against the cold railing of our verandah. "Fuck," I grunted before trying to ease the pain with my other hand. However, my action proved to be as useful as giraffe with a ladder. Huh?

_**Now where did that analogy come from?**_

Never will I ever receive an answer to my silent question, because at that precise moment the radio D.J.'s voice coming off the stereo had disrupted my contemplation and I lost all train of thought.

"This next song was requested by Becky from Wilmshaven. It's an oldie from 2007, but it's a classic and I know that many of you will love it. It's Fergie with _Big girls don't cry_."

Okay now I'm seriously going to ring this guy up and give him hell. Since when the fuck is any of Fergie's songs are considered as a "classic"? Let it be known to all that I, Asuka Zeppelin, am a full-time rock chick. To me there is no other alternative that should be considered as musical genius. Alright, maybe classical pieces composed by Beethoven or Mozart aren't so bad, and I don't mind the occasional soft-rock that has a bit of bounce to it, but there is no way in hell that songs by women dressing as sluts who can barely hold a note, should be counted as music! People who argue with me otherwise are tone-deaf idiots.

Great, now this guy has me all worked up. "Hope you're satisfied with yourself. You fucker," speaking to no one in particular which you could see as a good thing considering I was now feeling very pissed off.

Entering the apartment once again, I closed the glass door behind me, which made me realise just how cold it was outside. Taking quick strides towards the stereo, I was about to turn it off and go to bed until I finally comprehended what the protagonist was actually singing about. As she continued with her song I could almost feel my heart being clawed, but then be soothed by something I wasn't able to quite put my finger on. The song was almost too fitting for my current situation, is there someone out there that's actually mocking me? The temptation of throwing electronic contraption was almost overpowering until I had to remind myself that this belonged to James, not me.

While the singer continued with her story I realised that she was talking about things she needed to do before & after finding her inner peace and it lead me to consider following her advice. Picking up the phone, I rang the Berlin airport and asked to book a flight to Tokyo-3. Unfortunately for me, the earliest flight for Japan would be ten days away, the woman had apologised to me for the inconvenience, saying that it was the holiday season.

Looking at the calendar on our kitchen fridge, I noticed that she was right; it was the summer season so wouldn't be surprising that people have booked or flights anywhere but here. I also noticed with sadness that the anniversary of my mother's death was only two days away, reminding me that it would be better for me to stay and visit her one last time before leaving Germany.

After confirming the final details for my flight, I hung up the phone and placed it back in its respective place, thinking about what I had just done. Although it had my intention to go back to Japan, I couldn't help feel a little dread at knowing that I had actually took the first step and now there's no turning back.

In ten days I would be leaving the comfort of my home in Germany, for a place of unpleasant memories.

* * *

AN: Now before you seriously pay out my choice of song for this chapter and think of me as some teenager who loves trashy pop music, I'll have you know that I HATE Fergie! However, the reason I decided to choose this song was because one night my friend and I were driving around nowhere in particular when this song came on the radio surprising me to realise just how accurate this song related to my story. Coinceidence? Maybe, I'm not completely sure but hey it works.

You should also know I may not be able to update my stories for several months not because of my laziness, but rather I'm moving and I probably won't have access to the internet for a while. However, don't think I'm giving up on the stories and I promise I will try my best to always update whenever I can. Take care and thanks for R&R so far, Water-Star.


	5. What if I do?

_Back and forth that voice of yours keeps me up at night  
Help me search to find the words that eat you up inside  
I go side to side like the wildest tides in your hurricane  
And I only hide what is on my mind because I can't explain  
What if I do, Lord?  
What if I don't?  
I'd have to lose everything just to find you  
What if I do, Lord?  
What if I don't?  
I'd have to lose everything just to find you_

_What if I do_- The Foo Fighters

* * *

"I don't want to do this with a weak, whiny little boy like you!" she spat with as her electric-blue eyes boared into my own colbalt-blue ones.

I knew that she was disgusted at the thought of us making love, and I should've said something, but unfortunately, I was too focused on her eyes to feel the sting.

It was always the intensity within them that had been the reason I was always too terrified to reach out to her when I was younger, yet strangely, at the same time, I couldn't help myself from being attracted. Amazing, even if those eyes silently threaten to destroy whatever is left of my dignity, the longing to be with her still remains.

I must be a masochist to be willing to take all her abuse and get a kick out of it.

Remembering that she had just insulted me, I spoke (well more of retorted): "Damn it Asuka, I'm not fourteen anymore!" It was a bit too harsh for my own liking, but right now I couldn't give a damn.

"I've learnt from my mistakes," I continued, "and I've learnt to not run away anymore, but why do you keep bringing it up?"

After almost four years of enduring every sort of abuse this woman has dished out to me, something inside me snapped. Any other time I would've been shocked at the sensation of my body becoming fuelled with such an energy that I would've never have thought or hope to possess, yet strangely I wasn't. Instead I willingly let it take hold of my self-control, giving me strength which I never thought I'd possess, and I'm definitely not going to deny when I say that it felt fucking great.

Watching Asuka flinch I knew immediately that I had hit home, alas forcing her tough-girl facade to dissipate. She was completely trapped.

As I watched just how vulnerable Asuka was as she struggled for an answer, I couldn't help but be reminded of the lost little girl I had once seen on the last night of our synchronisation training; the one who was desperately looking for someone to love and to be loved by, yet was too terrified of the risks. The one who didn't want to be alone anymore or ignored, whom wanted nothing more than to reveal her true side and hear the simple words which establish that she is worth something more than a Eva pilot or the most popular girl in school.

I don't now why but seeing her look so downtrodden left me with a sudden powerful yearning to pull her into my arms, for me to kiss her and promise her to I would always love her, protect her and make sure that she'll never get hurt. It sounded impossible, I know, but if she gave me the chance to prove it then I would do whatever I could to keep that promise.

Finally she answered, however, the words that formulated from her lips was like a strong kick to the stomach. More painful than any literal punch or kick that she had ever given to me over the years and suddenly the world began spinning and everything inside my mind went into overload. Actually, the only thing that made sense or seemed stable were five questions- each burning fiercely into the back of my mind and nothing else mattered except those simple questions.

What do you mean Asuka?

Where was I?

How did this happen?

Why didn't I know?

When-

"... I needed you the most."

* * *

**_BEEP! BEEP!_**

What the hell?! We're under attack! Oh wait, it's just the alarm clock.

"Damn thing," I mumbled, opening my eyes. _You know that I've been drinking,_ I added quietly. My alarm clock has a funny tendency of not working properly when I spent the night sober, yet it manages to work just fine when I've made myself get wasted the night before.

_How fucking typical,_ I thought of the injustice while I finally succeeded convincing my body to move. Getting ready for school soon proved to be easier said when done and almost feeling impossible, especially if your hand-eye co-ordination is currently the same level as a two year old. If someone had been watching, I'm sure they would have found it somewhat comical. In fact, a joke suddenly managed to pop into my head after I put on my jeans.

_What's the difference between a rookie Eva pilot learning to walk in his first battle and an almost twenty-four year old who's severely hung over?_ Jack squat, but at least with the Eva pilot, people would've understood why you got wasted and not see you as a pathetic being. Heh, isn't it hilarious?

_Wow you've actually hit a new low._ Even the voice inside my mind sounded amazed I could make such a self-deprecating comment. Well done, Shinji Ikari!

My internal musings were soon interrupted by a knock on the door. Wait- knocking? I wondered for a brief second whether or not I was hearing things. Who the fuck would have the audacity to come over to my apartment at seven in the morning? Of course, my question was soon answered by a voice. The voice of someone whom I really, REALLY didn't want to hear from right now, especially considering I got myself hammered the night before.

"Shinji, open the door now!" Misato ordered. Hearing her tone reminded me of the good old days when she was still working for NERV. "We need to talk."

Argh, shit... I'm in for it now.

Letting out a sigh, I made the quick journey to the front door and a silent vow to kill Touji the next time I see him.

To say that my former guardian looked pissed when I opened the door would've been an understatement. To say she looked as though she could practically rip heads off cute little bunny rabbits would not be an over exaggeration, and to say that I knew that I was in for it now would be stating the obvious over & over.

"Good morning Misato," I started calmly. "How have you-"

"Cut the small-talk bullshit, Shinji," she interrupted. "I heard about what you did last night."

There goes the hopes of having a civil conversation.

Another sigh escaped from my lips from the obvious realisation that I would be enduring the flames of hell in less than ten minutes. All I can hope for now is that she would at least have a little bit of human compassion and get this over and done with in a quick & painless manner before my brain explodes and the remaining matter escapes from my ears.

"Come in," I moved to the side for Misato to enter. As she did, I closed the door though I pondered for a moment whether or not should I have left it open just so in the case that my life is claimed by the hands of the scary ex-Major, the neighbours would pick up on the noises and perhaps justify Misato to be the one responsible.

"Would you like some tea? Coffee? Beer?" I offered, trying to ease the building tension squirming inside my stomach as the purple-haired female walked around the small confines of my apartment, a look of disapproval evident on her face.

"Coffee," she replied dismissively. "Straight black. No sugar."

Following with her request, I was relieved at being able to do something other than stand around and look like an idiot. Nevertheless, I knew that this was only the calm of the storm and that it wouldn't be too long before Misato erupts, so we may as well as have a nice friendly chat and try to act like adults before we get at each other's throats.

"How's Makoto?" I asked trying to keep the atmosphere light.

"My husband is doing well. Thanks for asking," she said somewhat sarcastically. She knew that I was trying to avoid the inevitable and was obviously not impressed, but a man can try, can't he?

"I still can't believe that you guys actually got married." Not that I had anything against it. Actually, I was almost elated when I heard the news three years ago. Hell, I was even ecstatic to learn that Misato was finally able to move on by letting go of Kaji & everything he represented for her and dating Makoto, whom I knew that had always held romantic feelings for her since my days as Unit 01's pilot.

I really liked the guy because he was purely genuine and I could sleep soundly knowing that Misato would be taken care of and he would never intentionally bring any sort of harm to her. Additionally, in some odd way he was like the older, more sophisticated variation to me but only the difference is that he finally got to have the woman of his dreams and he's taken his chance to obtain happiness. Too bad that I'm still praying for mine. Forget I said that.

"Yes, it's still hard to believe... but I've never been happier," and for the first time since she's arrived, Misato smiled. Unfortunately for me, her good mood was only momentarily and that peaceful look of her face's soon turned back into a frown. "And don't think we're going to avoid the main subject here, Shinji Ikari, because you are far from my good books."

It's not hard to tell when Misato is in her serious mood; all you have to do is offer her a can of Yebisu beer and if she declines then you know she's in a mood that's best not to mess with, or be around all together. So we may as well get this done with before my brain completely explodes from this fucking headache.

"What I do is no longer any of your concern," I stated, and inwardly I felt repulsed at how similar I sounded like my own fa-

Like that bastard. But I kept a straight face, signaling to her that I was a grown man and that I could fuck up as much as I wanted to.

_The ball's in her court now._

"Like hell it isn't," she growled, marching straight up to me. "You may be legally recognised as an adult and living your life independently," she began, poking me in the chest by every word, making sure that I was listening. "But that does not mean that I don't have a right to know when something is wrong with you."

"Nothing is wrong," I growled back, my right hand subconsciously began to clench and unclench itself into form of a fist. Damn. I really thought I got over this trait.

It's very frustrating that I am able recall the beginning of the habit with crystal-clarity, yet I struggle to remember the faintest details of my mother. I know that the habit had began shortly after my first Eva battle with Sachiel because by experiencing the almost real damage that the Angel inflicted to my left arm, it had forced me to only rely on my other hand, but also taught me just how fragile the human mind truly is. Of course no one will ever understand what it was like to pilot Evangelion, except three other people whom all fell victimless to. Even to this day, I sometimes have nightmares of those scenarios, leaving me in the morning with a shivering form and a pillow which I always try to convince myself is damp because of sweat, not because I cried.

And yet, it is still amazing to tell that the man-made creation used to fight & protect humanity, could literally feel pain like any other being and still carry a human soul within its core. While the thought was terrifying, strangely, I was also exhilarated at the prospect at the same time. And although I hated those times cause of the pain they brought upon me and everyone I loved, I cherished them as well. Because it was a time I actually had something to live for.

If Misato was surprised by my outburst then she didn't let it show. "Shinji," trying to approach me in a more cool manner. "I'm worried about you... I've been worried about you for almost five years now, ever since Asuka-"

"Don't," I cut her off with my voice turning cold. "Don't say that name."

The middle-aged woman looked at me with an expression I could neither describe or analyse. Was it shock? Fear? Disappointment? Hurt? _Sympathy?_ The last one angered me. How ironic. I use to seek for it, almost living on it, but after she left, I developed a hatred for the emotion. My friends didn't help either; each of them looking at me from time-to-time as though I were a porcelain statue threatening to fall and shatter into a million pieces, to which no matter how much effort, patience & super-glue is used, the person would give up. And if not then and that person had achieved of putting the pieces back together, there could still be the chance that despite a good repair job, the lines & cracks still remain.

Should the statue fall again, the results would be dire and the pieces of that porcelain figure would then become fragments. Making it practically impossible to ever repair. Just the thought of it made me shiver. Why? I'm not really sure. Perhaps it's because I know that it's certain to happen to me sooner or later and I won't be able to escape from that fate.

"Shinji, please..." Misato began, a pang of guilt struck when I heard her speak with that voice. Even if she was pissing me off at the present moment it still doesn't mean that I wish to inflict any pain onto her. "Talk to me."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Then make me understand."

This woman had found it in her heart to have offer me shelter so many years ago when I had no one or nowhere to go and given me nothing but with the same love & tenderness a mother would give to her own child and she's asked nothing in return except for me to talk to her. Don't I feel like the world's biggest bastard right now.

"I'm sorry, Misato," I sighed, closing my eyes so I could avoid her gaze. "I know that you want to help, but you can't."

"Damn it, Shinji!" she cried out. Hearing her voice crack forced me to instantly open my eyes only to witness her own beginning to well with tears. Seeing it almost tore my a part of my heart, she's probably been keeping it all stored up in her for years and now its all being let out.

"I've been hearing this shit coming from your mouth for five years now and I'm fucking tired of it! Five years I've stood by and watched you destroy yourself! When Asuka left and don't you dare fucking interrupt me, you were hurting. Badly. When you began drinking more regularly I thought to myself: He's going through a tough time, he'll move on soon... so I let you deal with it on your own, but you haven't."

I felt relieved as she finally managed to calm herself down, wiping the tears away from her eyes and taking several deep breaths, I was about to protest to her earlier accusation, but she already beat me to it.

"Hikari told me how you got smashed last night and that Touji had to pick you up from the bar, but this isn't the first time he's had to do it, right?"

_So it was Hikari that tattled me in..._ Well there goes the theory that Touji was the one responsible for this lecture. Damn it, I can't tell her off or else Touji will rip my head off.

"A-hem," clearing her throat this time, "Right?" Misato said it with a tone that clearly meant business. Placing her hands on her hips and positioning her body at an angle which screamed- _"Pay attention or else I will make you regret ignoring me!"_ was a definite sign at that.

"No," I sighed out.

"Shinji," she began, almost looking as though she were inwardly debating whether or not to continue. "You need to let this go. I know that you're pissed off that she left the way she did, I was too... but I forgave her. And you need to do the same."

I was about yell _"Why the fuck should I?!"_ when I watched her turn around and made her way to the front door, closing it gently behind her. The electric jug clicked itself off, the water was ready, but I was too pissed off to notice.

* * *

"Shinji could you please pass me that article on the human eye by Fred Hollow?" Kouzou asked politely, but I was so focused on what Misato had said this morning that I hadn't even realised that the elderly professor was talking to me until I heard him yell; "Shinji!"

"What?!" I said in a state of daze, my brain only just coming back to reality.

"Could you please pass me the article by Hollow?" he repeated, almost slightly annoyed.

"Yeah sure," was my response as I began to file through the myriad amount of medical journals by numerous doctors from both the past and present. "Here," handing the file over to him.

"Thank you," he replied gratefully and then turned his back on to me, returning all his focus back onto the report he was currently working on while I turned all my attention back onto the computer in front of me. A silence swept between us for ten minutes except for the sound of typing keys and the rustling of paper, which I was grateful for considering I was still feeling a bit hung over despite the missing headache. Too bad for me that the silence wasn't permanent.

"Is everything going okay, Shinji?" the older man asked, turning his body around to face me but never leaving his chair.

_So much for some peace and quiet,_ I thought, tempted to let out a groan before I turned to face him.

"Everything is going fine sir. I'm almost finished editing this paper," came my reply.

"No I meant; is everything going okay with you?" Kouzou asked rephrasing his question, a slight frown creasing into his elderly features.

"Everything is going fine." A frown appeared onto my own features, feeling faintly irritated at his sudden need for conversation. "Why would you think that there's anything wrong with me?"

"It just seem you're not really with it today," he explained.

It was that for the first time today, I finally realised just how tired the grey-haired professor was after quickly noticing how his body was slumped and the bags that have settled themselves underneath his eyes. Looking at him, I couldn't help but feel a little sad remembering that he recently celebrated his 68th birthday because it was almost like salts being rubbed into wounds that like me, each day he is getting older and soon one day he wasn't going to be here.

Like mother. Like Kaji. Like fa-

Like _him._

"Just thinking about some things. That's all."

"So it's a woman," his voice indicating that it was a statement, not a question.

"Maybe," was the only thing I gave. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you all Shinji Ikari- the official King of vagueness and the biggest taciturn hard ass you'll ever meet. Turning around again, I began where I was up to, hoping that the discussion was closed.

"I was like that too..." the professor said a moment later. I would've been annoyed at him had I not realised that he was mostly talking to himself rather than me, almost as if he were reliving the memory. It partly grabbed my attention, but I neither spoke or stopped with what I was doing.

"I never placed enough trust into another human... I preferred working alone and I was content. That was... until I met someone."

Now that did get my attention.

Stopping all current tasks, I turned once again and faced the older male, focusing on him than with my other responsibilities. Until now it never struck me that Kouzou may have once been romantically involved with a person, watching him grow older over the years without a partner always left me to assume that he was comfortable living a life alone, but now at the mention of a woman, I couldn't help myself from feeling shame for such ignorant assumptions.

"She was renowned for her scientific brilliance, always coming up with groundbreaking theories. Yet she dreamed of nothing more than giving the world a brighter future," he recalled with a faint smile. "She was the most beautiful woman I ever met."

"Did you love her?" I finally asked. A part of me wondered what his feelings were for this woman while another part of me wondered why the hell I was becoming so drawn into his story.

The professor's eyes widened a tad fraction, as if he were surprised to hear me sound so interested, yet he still answered. "Yes. Very much, but she never found out."

"Why not?" I know that I sounded like a little child for asking that question, but I couldn't help myself.

"She was in love with another man," he simply answered. I expected to see some sort of sadness or personal heartache to be reflected in those brown eyes of his, however, there wasn't. Maybe it happened so long ago that it didn't hurt anymore, or that he got over her.

"I never really approved of him, I couldn't imagine them being together forever. People would tell me that they thought he was using her for his own selfish agendas and yet, the woman still stayed by his side. I asked her once why she would want to be with him of all people and she simply said that she found him endearing. That was one of the last few times I saw her before the Second Impact..."

I could feel my heartbeat beginning to pound as well as nausea which was starting to settle into my stomach. I knew where this was getting at and I didn't want him to continue, to force him to bring up painful memories, but I couldn't stop myself from asking: "Did she die?"

"No thankfully," and I could feel my body relax with relief until he said the next sentence. "However, two years later I found out she had married the man and with a child."

For some reason hearing that felt like a stab to the heart; slow & agonising torture, destroying all hope I had for a happy ending to this old man's story and in return countless questions flooded into my brain, but I couldn't bring myself to ask any. Kouzou must've realised my stupefied behaviour because he continued.

"I was shocked and a slightly hurt, but I had to remind myself that she never knew how I felt."

"Why didn't you tell her?" I finally managed to find my voice again.

"Because whenever I saw her with her husband or her child, I knew that she was genuinely happy. So, I couldn't help but be happy for her as well."

"Do you still see her?"

Something in his eyes darkened instantly when I said that, for a minute I pondered whether I should have asked him about that at all, as it seemed almost too personal for his liking. I maybe an ass and I know that human beings having a tendency of getting hurt and hurting others, I accept that, but that does not mean that I wish to purposely upset someone whom has done nothing more than try to be there for me.

Hearing the professor sigh, I realised that he was going to answer the question, despite the pain it would inflict onto him. "She died."

"Oh," was the only thing that came out of my mouth. I felt too depressed to think of saying anything else.

"She died not only protecting her child but also to give the world a chance for a brighter future... just as she always wanted. Her death wasn't in vain, Shinji."

Hearing him say that strangely somehow seem to lessen the disappointment and ache that had previously been building inside my heart begun to vanish, relieving me from the frustration that was slowly approaching.

He knows me far too well... I thought to myself, realising that Kouzou added the last part for my sake.

Apart from accepting that people are going to get hurt and be hurt during their lives, I've also come to accept that death is an inevitability. Seeing family and friends mourn over the loss of a love one on the news or in the papers is not as difficult as it had been when I was fourteen (because I felt that NERV or Eva had been involved.) However, what really affects me the most about people dying is when you may hear about murder that the criminal admits to doing it and when asked for the motivation, some may say _"No reason."_ That makes my blood boil. I accept death, it happens. It's inevitable. What I can not accept, is people dying for no good reason. Especially when they could have been saved, that it didn't have to end the way it did.

So when the words _"Died protecting her child"_ and the term _"Not in vain"_ are used in the same sentence, then it's safe to assume that it calmed me down, yet I couldn't help but think about the child she had sacrificed her life for. Would the child ever be told the love their mother had had for them? Would they know what their mother had done for them? Would they feel guilt while growing up motherless and see it as their own fault?

Would mother have done the same thing for me given the circumstances?

A thousand questions have now formulated inside my mind, yet I can't bring myself to ask them out loud or to myself for that matter. Where to begin anyway? And who would I even ask them to? Father? Yeah, that's a laugh!

I could just imagine it now: Me, standing by his grave and asking all these questions and all I'll get as a reply will be the cold wind cutting into my exposed skin whilst I'll continue to stand in front of the tombstone which would state: Gendo Rokubungi.

And somehow, I still think that even like that, I would get more out of him as opposed to him being alive.

"Goodness is that the time already?" the professor asked half-heartedly looking at his watch, pulling me from my sudden thoughts about father, and feeling grateful for him doing so. "I can't believe it's four o'clock already!"

Looking at my own watch, I realised that he was right. How could that be possible? Did someone set the clocks forward while I wasn't paying attention?

"You best be leaving now," he said. "Don't you have a report due on Friday?"

Indeed I do, knowing that he was referring to the research paper which I've been currently working on nearly the whole semester. A paper I may add, that wais due in four days and based on everything I learnedt this year. It's absolutely necessary if I want to continue with university next year and do further study on audiology.

"Yeah," I admitted. "It's completed, but I just need to do a bit more editing. If I gave it to you tomorrow would you be able to read it?"

"Of course, Shinji. Unlike most of my other pupils, I find your writing to be very thought-provoking."

"Thank you very much sir," I said and for the first time in a long time, well for as long as I can remember, I smiled. It wasn't a faked or the meaningless kind which I had perfected over the years, the one most people fall for, but an actual proper one. There was something that flashed in his eyes when he saw that, something I couldn't quite put my finger on, yet... it was almost as if he were reliving another memory that he will never tell me about.

Another one of life's mysteries, I concluded, but not something I'll ponder over or sleep over. Shrugging it off, I picked up my backpack and threw it over my shoulder before printing the good copy of Fuyutski's paper which is meant to be published in some prestigious medical journal. I swear, Kouzou may be brilliant in his profession but his spelling is very average.

"Your article," handing the print outs over to him.

"Thanks Shinji," reaching forward from his seat and took them from my hand. "I'll see you on Monday."

"Have a good weekend sir," I said over my shoulder and began walking towards the door, until something stopped me. No, more like tugged on me. Turning around, I faced the older man again and asked a question which was burning inside my mind.

"Professor," I began trying to remain neutral-like.

"Yes Shinji?" Kouzou replied, concern present on his features.

"If you had a chance to redo your whole life again... would you have told that woman how you felt?" I'm not sure why that came out of my mouth, I was going to ask him why he told me that story in the first place, but I think I already know the answer to that. I just don't want to accept it.

Concern vanished and was replaced with another faint smile, yet I still noticed a trace of sadness reflected in his eyes. It disappeared the instant he gave his reply, "I'm not sure. I can't assume that I would've, but I can't also assume that I wouldn't of. Whether we may or may not do something we only get one shot... one life to live, so we have to make the best of it and hope that you don't regret anything when the ending comes."

After a sigh and a thoughtful look, he continued, "Nothing is worse than living a life and regretting something or holding resentment against another for your entire existence. We only live for so long. Don't waste your life by obsessing over those irrelevant things... let them go. Let go of those things you regret. Forgive that person despite everything they may have done. That takes true strength and once you do, you will become elated... or you won't be able to live on other wise."

"But most importantly..." pausing as if to make sure I were paying attention to the next particular sentence. "Apologise when you know you were wrong. Don't ever think saying "I'm sorry" is a weakness, Shinji. It takes a lot of bravery to admit to someone that you were wrong and then ask for forgiveness. But don't say it unless you actually mean it. Always remember that, Shinji, because one day I'm not going to be around to remind you of that."

* * *

_"Nothing is worse than living a life and regretting something or holding resentment against another for your entire existence. We only live for so long, don't waste your life by obsessing over those irrelevant things... let them go."_

_Get out of my head, damn you!_ I wanted to yell that out but the rational part of me asked where would I yell it to? The pathway? The sun-setting sky? Those two middle-aged woman walking right pass me and giving me a funny look? If I did so someone may probably ring the mental hospital and have me institutionalised. Hmm... I wonder what Misato would say if that actually happened?

How ironic would it be though, just imagine me: Shinji Ikari- The Invincible pilot of Evangelion Unit 01, ending up medically insane. I guess riding inside a _"man-made, all-purpose battle weapon"_ and fighting against a numerous amount of beings that were sent from God himself and were meant to live forever. While during that war I also had to deal with my mental issues involving my father, the impact mother's death had on my life and figuring out why I felt so attracted to Rei.

I'm amazed that I even managed to survive and still be declared sane, considering that my NERV psyche file must've had as many pages as **_"A suitable boy."_** If it really did happen I wonder if anyone would actually be bothered to visit me at all, or would the doctors tell them that it's too dangerous? I couldn't imagine letting my life become like that, just the thought made me shudder.

I passed by another restaurant, and the smell of the food made my stomach grumble, but it was the sight of the alcohol, of the beer and the sake being poured so liberally were what made me stop for a moment. Unconsciously I licked my lips, checking my watch and trying to decide if I had time for a quick drink, just one quick drink and then I'd be off to my flat, to work on my paper.

Alone.

By myself.

_Enough. Focus on what you have now. Not the possibilities. Or the 'What-Ifs?' Or what don't you don't have. Just focus on what you do have, or else you're going to end up getting drunk again and awaking up with another hang over._

And I definitely did not want Misato giving me another lecture tomorrow, I really can't cope with her rants. But then again, why shouldn't I go to the bar tonight? I'm an adult; I think for myself, by myself. I'll deal with the consequences when the time comes and I won't run away like I may have so many years ago, when it was needed the most.

Needed the most...

_"Because you let me down when I needed you the most."_

When Asuka? When did you need me the most? Why did you even need me at all? You once said to me that you hated me, yet you needed me at one point. Me? The boy who you always called an idiot, a pervert, a coward. Whose selection as a pilot you once said; _"Must've been a joke, right?"_ Why Asuka, goddamnit? Why didn't you ever explain it to me instead of leaving? Why leave me in this rut?

I could feel, much to my frustrations, the memories beginning to resurface again; each one hitting me so fast that it was almost like a river in a flood, leaving me physically drained. Memories about a girl who had done nothing more than make my life miserable, scold and yell and humiliate me and bitch about me & everyone else surrounding her when all I ever did was be nice to her. Why should I even give a fuck that she left the way she did?! I should've been celebrating instead of crying or closing myself off of the world. My life should be picture-perfect now that she isn't here to always ridicule me. I don't need her, I never will.

I... I hate her. And I'll never forgive her.

_"Nothing is worse than living a life and regretting something or holding resentment against another for your entire existence. We only live for so long, don't waste your life by obsessing over those irrelevant things... let them go. Let go of those things you regret. Forgive that person despite everything they may have done. That takes true strength and once you do, you will become elated... or you won't be able to live on other wise."_

There are those words again. Damn you, Kouzou, why did you have to say that? You knew that I would be mulling over them, didn't you? That I would be vivisecting them over and over until the early hours of the day, pondering whether or not what you said was intentional, to make me reflect on myself since Asuka left.

_"Forgive that person despite everything they may have done. That takes true strength and once you do, you'll become elated... or you won't be able to live on other wise."_

He's probably right, but why the hell should I? Anger filled me before kicking a stone out of frustration. The force was more harsh than I intended but after watching go it airborne, a small part of me felt satisfied. That was, until gravity got involved and quickly found the small rock, forcing it to land several metres away and thankfully, causing no damage to either human or object. Not that I would've been worried about it hitting a person, as the streets were practically deserted. It was lonely and desolate and almost a little disturbing, yet I was able to find solace in it.

_"But most importantly... apologise when you know you were wrong. Don't ever think saying "I'm sorry" is a weakness Shinji. It takes a lot of bravery to admit to someone that you were wrong and then ask for forgiveness. But don't say it unless you actually mean it."_

Another irony for me to laugh about- apologising. Actually, I can't even remember the last time I said those two words, but I don't miss saying them, or wish to ever say them again. In fact, I hate them. Because if I say them then I'd be confessing that I was wrong, and surprisingly, my pride won't allow me to ever admit that.

I suppose over the years living with Asuka, that frustrating trait of her's finally managed to itself rub off onto me, and after her departure, it flared up and helped me become the person I am today. One thing of the few things I've ever been grateful to receive from her. Yet her departure also taught me a valuable lesson. The most important one could learn about being in a relationship, its simple: Don't be bothered to ever get attached, or find it in your heart to begin to care because it'll only hurt so much more when it ends.

* * *

"Home sweet home," I muttered somewhat dryly, though there was no point of saying it out loud, there's no one for me to go home to. Can I even call it home?

Opening the door, I stepped inside and slipped out of my shoes before walking to the kitchen, I wasn't even concerned about placing them in a nice organised array with my other pairs as I would've been when as I was younger. I'm too old, too tired and too different to give a damn.

Grabbing a beloved can of Yebisu out of the fridge, I started sculling it down and only stopped when I noticed something blinking from the corner of my eye, making me quickly realise with some irritation that it was coming from the answering machine. Yes that's all I need right now; someone ringing to see if I'm still alive & well and not in a bar getting drunk out of my mind or not knocked on the bathroom floor with an empty bottle of sleeping pills in my hand and foam coming out of my mouth. Heh, the nurses had to literally drag Misato out of the hospital room after she slapped me repeatedly for that little incident.

Alright better get this over and done with. Walking over to blinking machine, I pressed the _"PLAY"_ button and stood there staring at the electronic device whilst the message played.

_"Ikari, it's Rei."_

I sighed. How many times have I told her not to call me that?

_"We haven't talked in a while."_

_No,_ I agreed. We haven't at all. I think the last time we saw each other was almost three weeks ago.

_"Mana has told me what happened... I'm sorry."_

I'm sorry too, Rei. I know that you were hoping something would grow between Mana & I.

_"Also..."_

A pause could be heard, instantly grabbing my attention. That's not like her, I thought. Rei doesn't like causing scenes or dramatic moments, usually when she has something to say, she'll say it instantly no matter of significant it may be.

_"Horaki has informed me about her engagement to Suzahara and that Sohryu will be attending."_

Shit, I was afraid of this.

_"I don't have any lessons tomorrow. I'm coming over and bringing lunch."_

Great, that's just what I need; to listen to another person telling me about how I should move on with my life and forgive Sohryu.

_"I'll arrive there at the usual time. I'll see you then."_

When the message ended, I walked back into the kitchen and threw my now-empty beer can into the recycling bin before opening the refrigerator and grabbing another Yebisu, wondering with some annoyance why everyone is feeling as though it's their obligation to ask whether or not I'm okay about her coming. For Kami's sake why can't they just shut up about it and leave the subject alone?!

_Because they're worried, Shinji. Because they care._

Well I don't want them to worry or care about me. I want them to pretend it's not happening. Why couldn't they let me be in denial? Why can't they let me pretend that nothing is normal... it's all fine and perfect? Why can't they let me act as though _she's_ not coming back?

_Because it would be a lie... it would be running away. _Once again my damn conscience is right. Still doesn't mean I have to like it.

_You don't, but you still have to accept the fact that Touji & Hikari are going to be married and that Asuka's going to be there no matter what. You're going to have to face her at one point, even if you won't be at the rehearsal dinner or the wedding. You're going to have to talk to her and eventually forgive her._

"Forgive her..." the words sounded alien to me despite their simplicity, I almost sighed again.

I know that I should forgive her, but I can't bring myself to do so. Why should I have to anyway? She didn't even say anything; she just got up and left! No note, no good-bye, nothing! Did she even care about what happened in the park? Or was it just a way to pass time for her? Over the years countless questions have formed in the back of my mind and have evolved into more questions & contemplating thoughts since Misato said that she was gone, and all of them have continuously haunted me to the every core each day- in my mind and in my dreams. All are small reminders that I'll never receive an answer.

_But now you have the chance. When she comes back you can ask her. You'll be finally able to forgive her._

Could I though? Even if Asuka explained the reasons behind her actions, would I be able to understand? Would I be able to find it in my heart to forgive her, or would I just end up hating her even more?

_"Nothing is worse than living a life and regretting something or holding resentment against another for your entire existence... Forgive that person despite everything they may have done. That takes true strength and once you do, you will become elated... or you won't be able to live on other wise."_

"Damn you, Kouzou!" I shouted before watching the can of Yebisu splatter against the wall. I should've felt some sort of relief from that, getting a chance to let out some unrequited anger, but I didn't. Instead, rage filled me as I yanked the cordless phone, cables & everything, from the coffee table and threw it in a random direction. If I had been paying any attention I would've realised that I broke the glass from one of the photo frames, but I didn't. I was too pissed off.

I'm tired of this. Tired of people trying to be friendly. People trying to be there for me. Why can't they leave me alone? Why do you all keep thinking I need your advice, or your help?! LEAVE ME ALONE!

"Why did you have to be fucking right?!" I screamed, feeling my eyes beginning to dampen. No, I'm not going to cry because of her. I fucking refuse it! Finding an old text book on the sofa to be of good use, I grabbed that too and threw it as hard as I could muster.

"Fuck you all for thinking you have the right to tell me on how to live my life!" I continued, much to my disgust, a tear trickled down my cheek.

"Damn you as well, Misato..." I said more softly, almost whimpering before falling into the couch. All the rage I felt before left my body and was instead replaced with utter exhaustion. My voice was straining as I added: "Why did you have to know that I'm still hurting?"

I looked around to see the chaos I unleashed onto the entire living room before all my attention focused on the broken frame that laid right next to my foot.

Picking it up with shaky hands, more tears flooded from my eyes when I realised the ruined picture had been the only group photo of Asuka, Rei & I as fourteen year olds- all of us lying down on the grass and looking up to the camera, whilst we wore our school uniforms. Each us smiled and held a look of genuine happiness. One of the few times when all of us had been happy at the same time... when I had been happy.

Look at me now; I've turned into everything I've hated. I've tried to convince myself for so long that it was what I wanted, what I hoped, but I don't want to keep pretending. I want to let someone in, I want them to know that my life is falling apart, I want somebody to understand me. I want someone to save me from myself.

_"Nobody can ever understand you. Nobody can save you from yourself."_

They're right, whoever those voices belong to- I can't let anybody know the truth. I have to keep it all in. Because if I do, if I lock away my heart even deeper I won't have to feel pain outside or inside, or the fear. Then I won't have to feel anything at all. Then why does it seem so impossible? It's like a childish-fantasy, an excuse for me to use to escape from reality and maybe even a substitute for what I really want.

"Why Asuka? Why can't I hate you as much as I try to convince myself?" I asked, my voice was wavering, almost cracking while looking down at her smiling face. I couldn't keep the pain in any longer, I couldn't even keep it hidden to myself. I'm so pathetic.

* * *

AN: Argh shit. This chapter is way too long for my liking (well over 8,000 words!!) But on the plus side, I beat my own personal record... LOL!

Once again, much thanks to my awesome beta Eric Blair, who has been generous enough to provide a few quirky lines about Gendo. Everyone who knows Eric, knows that he has great talent as a writer and becoming one of the few well known fanfic authors. And if you don't know him, then you should be disappointed in yourself and start reading his stories!

Now onto the important stuff:

Many of you are probably irritated that this chapter is a lot longer than any of Asuka's, however, I couldn't help myself. At first, I was facing great difficulty with this: Where to start? And how exactly do I write from a completely different point of view, yet make it as good as possible? My questions were soon solved after reading a review from a reader which suggested that I focus on Asuka's line- _"Because you let me down when I needed you the most."_ Many thanks for that, R2G2.

I also got some inspiration from watching Episode 21 (Director's Cut version) and just watching the relationship between Fuyutski & Yui and I thought that it would be an interesting to have a bit of conversation between Fuyutski & Shinji about the professor's feelings towards Yui, yet Shinji would never find out who the woman was.

Then came his advice to Shinji which is the catalyst to Shinji's story. I kept repeating this advice throughout this chapter because for me, these are the basic principles I try to abide by everyday and often hear inside my mind when things get tough. Obviously it gets frustrating to hear it when you don't feel like doing it, but you can't help from being reminded that it's the right thing to do. It's the same with Shinji in this fic. He knows he has to let go of the past & forgive Asuka despite what she done in order to move on with his life, but he's not sure if he is capable of doing it or where to begin. I think a lot of people go through that in life as well, I know I do.

I'll also admit that the most challenging part about this chapter would be the fact that I had never written a fic capturing Shinji's personality/POV and I found myself struggling with that, hoping to make it seem as realistic as possible, as well as different use of vocabulary, metaphors & relationships with other people compared to Asuka's.

One reader felt that it had been unfair that Shinji was a complete emotional wreck yet Asuka's life was picture-perfect, so I had to write Shinji who is messed up in his personal life, but is also in control and focused when it comes to his work and education. I suppose you could view Chapter 3 (written by the wonderful Eric Blair) that it was from Shinji's POV whilst being drunk and severely depressed about how his relationship with women always seem to fail, or it could almost be seen as a one-shot (even though I'm doing a continuation of it.) It was an odd combination and difficult to balance, but I think I got it right. Well... I hope I did, anyway.

I hope you all manage to enjoy something about it and please give me a review because I could really use the feedback and learn where I need improvement for this chapter, because you and only you, have the power to let me know if I'm doing this write right or not. Take care everyone, stay safe.

P.S. The mentioning of _**"A suitable boy"**_ is a book with 1,404 pages! Of course, I haven't quite read it yet, but it's on my To-do lists among with many other tasks. Such as relearning Japanese, trying to find new clips of Rebuild Part 2, completing the rest of these fics, etc, etc.


	6. Hate me

_And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave  
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made  
And like a baby boy I never was a man  
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand  
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away!"  
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be  
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?"  
Hate me today  
Hate me tomorrow  
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you  
Hate me in ways  
Yeah ways hard to swallow  
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_

_Hate me- _Blue October

* * *

_He's late._

Shaking my head in disgust at that fact, it was obvious to anyone by simply looking at me that I was become increasingly irritated.

I wasn't expecting him to be on time at all, I'm not stupid or anything, however, what I did expect (or rather hope), was that Mr Sohryu should at least have the common decency of a responsible adult to be on time for once in his goddamn life! Christ, even a simple call or text message telling me that he was going to be late would've been a lot better than doing nothing and making me sit around. The bastard probably assumes that I'm going to be waiting on him hand-and-foot, or like some kind of dog on its fucking leash.

"Talk about careless; I should've expected this." I muttered to myself and took in another mouthful of caffeine. _Wait- did I just quote something off Misato?_ I remember those exact same words had left her lips once in a grunt, but I don't exactly remember when. Could it have been that time when we were all in that crowded elevator _Over the Rainbow_? Maybe, but then again, it's too long to remember.

"And now I can't even think up my own lines," I snorted. "Pathetic."

Though in my defense, she's been a bigger influence on me than I've ever given her credit for, and I've noticed recently that I've picked up a few of her traits, including her disgusting beer habit. Of course, I'm not exactly sure if she's ever addressed her father by his surname despite how much anger she held towards him. Yes, I know about her father, and I'll admit it had been greatly surprise to realise that her relationship with him was very similar to mine, yet at the same time, it was also strangely... comforting.

Comforting because it reminded me that I wasn't alone; that there are other people in the world who hold such anger towards their own father as I do. However, my anger eventually evolved into hate and led me to the stage in which I no longer wished to acknowledge his existence, nor his involvement with my own.

Even the sharing of his surname feels like a fucking insult cause it reminded me that he would always be apart of my life and would remain that way until the day I die, but even then, as a cruel fate of fucking irony, that name would still be chiseled into my tombstone for everyone to see. The idea angered me so much that it was only a week after arriving in Germany, I made the decision to legally change to my mother's maiden name.

No longer would I ever be known as Asuka Langley Sohryu- _Evangelion pioneer and teenage suffrage_. Instead, I shall now be forever known as Asuka Zeppelin- _Liberated_.

There's no way I'll ever go back. Not to that little girl standing in a mental institution, and definitely not to the red-haired warrior of the Angelic Wars. Both of those girls are dead now and I will do _**everything**_ humanly possible to make sure neither will ever be resurrected.

Especially the Eva pilot.

"Twenty past ten," looking at my watch, "Better get your ass here soon, Mister Sohryu. I won't be waiting around for you forever."

Obviously a lot people would see it as odd that I'd address my "father" in such a formal manner, some would may even feel a little disturbed, or saddened at the thought. But if had you known what he did Mama & I so many years ago, then you too would agree with me when I say that the bastard doesn't deserve the recognition of having raised me, nor the right to say he's my father. Ergo, never again I shall call him as_ 'Papa'_ or_ 'Vater'_ or _'Father'_ or _'Dad'_ or _'Otoosan'_ or whatever the hell other names children address to their father. Instead, I will simply address him by his formal name in a mature manner.

Here's hoping that he'll have the decency to do the same for me!

"Sorry that I'm late, Asuka, but I had some things I needed to sort out before I came here. I hope you weren't waiting too long!" Mr Sohryu said to me, suddenly appearing from out of nowhere.

"Not really," I lied. "I only just got here." Actually, I've been here waiting for almost twenty-five minutes, but I'm not going to mention that. After all, it was me who decided to arrange this little get together in the first place.

"Well it's good to see you again." He's lying, though I am not going to point that out. Not yet anyway.

"We haven't spoken in a while."_ In almost five years to be exact._ "How have you been?"

"I've been good," I said in a casual manner. "Just finished my final exam. The graduation will be next week."

Watching him smile made me wonder momentarily whether he was sincerely happy for me, or just proud to hear that his eldest offspring had just completed her master's degree only at the age of twenty-three; giving him the perfect opportunity to stroke his ego when talking to his work colleagues. Probably the latter... I'd definitely act that way if it was my child.

"That's wonderful news, Asuka. I'm so proud of you."

For a moment Mr Sohryu almost seemed genuine and I'm sure others would have believed his little performance. It's just too bad for him that I studied body language during my psychology lessons and learnt that when one is absently scratching their nose, or not focusing all their eye contact on you, it usually means that you're lying through your teeth and just don't want to admit it.

_You're so full of shit._ "I'm also heading for Japan next week."

_Play time is over now, Mr Sohryu._ I thought somberly, watching his smile vanish. _Time for the real stuff._

The actual reason for this meeting was never because I wanted to have a nice get together (with tea & cookies included, of course) and talk and catch-up and all that other nice crap. I'm here because I'm on a personal mission: to get answers from questions I've pondered over since this bastard packed up and left.

You'll probably think of me as a terrible person if I were to say that I want to make him hurt while I do this interrogation; to inflict more pain than he ever caused me when I was so young, and force him to look at himself and realise just how much of an awful human being he is and deserves everything he gets in the next life. If you think I am, well then... fuck you.

There have been a lot of things I have wanted to get off my chest for so long and this is my only opportunity because it is most likely, no... this will be the last time that I'll look upon the face of the man whom was partially responsible for my existence. It may sound a tad bit dramatic coming from me, but I'm not joking around. I'm fucking serious! After this conversation, when I leave for Japan and make my decision to begin a new life with James or not, I will be permanently shutting Mr Sohryu out of my life, as well as his lovely wife, Mrs Langley.

What's that you ask? Why did I even have Langley as one of my surname's to begin with? Well I'll tell you: a little while after my "father" remarried, my stepmother thought it would be a nice gesture for me to adopt her family name as a way of welcoming me to the family. Being only five at the time, I felt special because I thought that she had accepted as her own daughter (yeah I know- I was stupid.) Yet at the same time, it also angered me.

For a long time I had actually hated her because I saw her as the reason our small family of Mama, Papa & I, had fallen apart, after all, she was having a relationship with the bastard during Mama's... during that time. Then when it came to living with her, it felt as though she was trying to replace my mother with the way she treated me; trying to have me act more like a child rather than a adult.

Shame still fills me everytime I recall the memory of when she had given me a stuff toy monkey as a innocent gesture, but I had been so insulted by the implicit innuendo, that I literally ripped the monkey's chest open and threw it to the ground right before her eyes. The poor woman had burst into tears and Mr Sohryu_- being the loving husband that he is-_ acted immediately.

I don't feel guilty to say that I still smirk at the moment when he took me outside with the ruined toy in his hand and my hand in another, then asked me (almost yelling actually) why I committed such a naughty act and not being a "good little girl" for my new mama. Ohhh, he shouldn't have said that, the stupid bastard, because as soon as those words escaped from his lips, I completely blew it.

Of course I had screamed and told him that I wasn't a little girl anymore, but an adult who would one day be the official pilot of Evangelion Unit 02- The greatest being my real Mama had ever created, and that I didn't need a stupid stuff animal. To say that he was shocked by my outburst would be an understatement, though I hadn't give him a chance to speak as I had already continued and said that I didn't need him or my new Mama, I could take care of myself.

I also said that I no longer wanted to live with neither of them, instead I was going to live with my grandmother. He was devastated at the time, yet I knew deep down, that he was friggin' relieved of getting rid of me considering that I was being nothing but a total brat towards his wife.

But do you want to know what the funniest part is though? The most fucked up part about the whole scenario? I don't even hate the woman anymore. I can't. I just can't, because over the years I've come to realise that she wasn't to blame for breaking the family apart, Sohryu had already done that. So I have no other option but to be nice to her and try to get along with her, even though it always reminds me that "father" would be happy to hear that and I don't want him to be. I want him to be miserable.

_"Just because I've forgiven her doesn't mean I'm going to do the same with you,"_ laid heavy on my tongue but I refrained myself.

"Japan? Why are you going?" Sohryu asked, ripping me from my musings. "NERV was abandoned years ago, so you can't be going because of that."

"Believe it or not," I countered sharply. "I don't need to go to Japan just because of Eva. I did have a life outside of it."

"And I'm not saying that you didn't," he responded after realising the grave that he was burying himself in. "It's just... it seems odd that you would go back now."

"Why would it seem odd?" I asked arrogantly. "I lived there for four years before coming back here, so it's only natural that I would go back to visit the people whom I care about and vice-versa."

I quietly hoped that he would take the bait, but was only to be disappointed when he resisted. _For Gott's sake Sohryu, where are your balls?! Fight me!_

"So how long are you going to be there for?" he asked somewhat interested. Well that's a first.

_"None of your fucking business!"_ I wanted to scream, but tried to ignore the fighting temptation. "Four months," I answered.

"That's a long time."

So is waiting nearly nineteen years for you to make amends. You just didn't have the nerve to face me and tell me that you were wrong, or even be bothered to pick up the phone for that matter.

"Not really. Anyway... I may be going to America afterwards."

"America again? You said that you never wanted-"

"I never said that," I cut him off. "I said that I never wanted to go to their university again. Two completely different things. Besides..." I wondered briefly if I wanted him to know anymore about my life. "My boyfriend is moving there. He's asked me if I want to come."

"I see..." giving a solemn nod, his face darkened with obvious disapproval. "And how long have you been with this man?"

"Three years."

"I see. And what's his name?"

"That's does not matter. What matters is if I may or may not decide to move to America, but I've got four months to make a decision."

"Well Asuka darling," he started off thoughtfully. "In my opinion I don't think it's a wise option to move over there just because of a boyfriend. You need to think about this rationally, be smart about it... think about what's best for you. Think about the consequences- you'd have to start all over again if you were going to move and you'd be so far away from your friends & family. You should you move to America, make it be for your career or family. Not love."

_How... dare... he!_

I could feel myself beginning to tremble with rage, my mind replaying those last few words Mr Sohryu had just said. It may seem innocent enough; just some gentle advice a parent would give to a child, but to me, what he said was the same as practically punching me in the face with sharp brass knuckles.

_What right does he have saying how I should live my life?! He abandons me when I need him the most, offers no sympathy after I found Mama & that doll, treats me as if what I went through were no big deal. Fuck him, he can go to hell for all I care!_

"Right and you know all about making the right decision?" I said calmly instead of yelling it out like I wanted to.

I know I have to be rational about this or I would only humiliate myself by making a scene and I most certainly will not want allow spectators to look at Sohryu as the victim and me as the villain. Other people may think that he's a saint with the façade he's managed to deceive everyone with, but I know better than that and I'm not going to give him the satisfaction of thinking he's managed to play me like a puppet.

"Asuka-" his voice only raising just slightly, but whatever he was going to say, I interrupted.

"_No_," I growled. "What the hell makes you think that you have the right to tell me what to do? In case you haven't noticed, Sohryu, I've been making my own decisions and thinking for myself for almost nineteen years now. Without your help."

Seeing the sudden shock and hurt carved deeply onto his face, I knew that my words stung him. I should've stopped while I was ahead, but I was too blinded with rage to consider the consequences.

"Damn you for even thinking that you know anything about ensuring a good relationship! You know nothing about James and I. You don't know anything about me," I was so close to yelling it out that I even noticed a few people turning their heads to see what the commotion was. I stared at them, giving them a very clear message to fuck off and mind their own business, or I'll make them regret it. It clearly worked because patrons immediately went back to what they were doing, fearful of what may happen if they dared to try and defy me.

_The old Asuka is coming back,_ I realised with horror. I'm living one of my worst nightmares.

Five years of hard work for redefining myself with trust, opening myself up, tolerance and kindness- are all now proving to be useless as irrational anger swept through me. Damn it, it's not fair! I've tried so hard to make sure that I wouldn't turn back into that conceited bitch who got thrills from knocking others down, but now she's come back with a vengeance.

And I'm completely helpless from stopping her.

Sohryu, who suddenly lost his ability to look me in the eye anymore, turned his gaze at the small sparrows a few feet away from us, which were currently feasting on small bread crumbs. Watching him unable to retort my comment and the genuine rigid settled in his posture, I could feel my anger slowly dissipating and almost be replaced with guilt.

_Damn,_ I sighed.

I know that I said I wanted to hurt him earlier before, to make him suffer for everything he ever did to me, but now that I have, I'm almost tempted to regret what I've just said. I don't feel any satisfaction at all.

He may have hurt Mama & I, and did terrible things to the both us, but I still have to remind myself that he did help Mama give me life and at one point, I'm sure... well I hope... that he was genuinely happy being with us, grateful to have us in his life, that he truly did love us and wanted us to be a family.

_Fuck. **Now** you've really done it! You just **had** to make things more difficult for yourself by arranging this meeting, didn't you? Well you get everything you deserve. Stupid bitch._

Well that made things a hell of a lot better! Not. May as well keep going, I suppose.

"Look," I began again, my voice now losing its previous edge. "I don't want bring up the past," came out as a sigh. "It'll only hurt us both and open old wounds, but I want to ask you something, and please be honest. And don't you dare lie or sugarcoat it to protect my feelings. Be one-hundred percent honest..."

For a moment I lost my voice, as though something were stuck in my throat and blocking any words from coming out. I tried ridding of it by clearing my throat, but unfortunately, it did very little.

"What is it, Asuka?" the older man asked, a mixture of fear and concern obvious in the way he looked at me.

"Did you ever really love her?" I finally managed to ask. "Did you ever care about Mama?"

I'll never admit to anyone, or to myself, but I was a bit afraid of what his response would be. While I wouldn't be too concerned about his hesitation to reply to a question about me, I was uneasy when it came to my mother. Because if I heard him reply that he never cared at all and that she was nothing to him, it would nearly kill me. I know I wouldn't be able to cope with such an awful truth or be strong enough from bursting into tears right there on the spot.

Because if he didn't care... it would be in that single moment that I would know that Mama was right to kill herself after all.

_"Your Papa hates your Mama. He doesn't need me anymore. No... he didn't love me to begin with. So let's die together because he doesn't want us. He didn't need me at all. And he doesn't want you either, Asuka."_

I think that would be the most painful thing for me to accept: to be told that Mama's death hadn't been in vain; that she had been right all along and I should have been hanging from the ceiling with her instead of that fucking doll. That would be the most painful thing for me to accept. Especially since I've only just managed to forgive her since the day when I figured out the horrific truth about the Evangelions so many years ago.

"Yes I did," Sohryu admitted.

I almost laughed out loud. Hearing him say that lifted a great burden off my shoulders, but pushed a even greater weight on my heart.

"I did love your mother and I did care about her," he continued. "But as time went by your mother became more focused on her research rather than spending time with her family. When the contact experiment happened, you know what happened..."

_Of course I do,_ I thought bitterly. _You had an affair with her doctor- the smart and lovely Miss Langley._

"I'm not proud of what I've done to both you and your mother. I know that I'm responsible for her death, but even if she was never going to recover, I still should've been there for her. I just..." The pain was evident, as well as the shame, but I didn't care. Or at least admit it.

"I couldn't take it anymore. I just caved under the pressure." Shaking his head, looking as though he were reliving the memory all over again. "I didn't want the responsibility of taking care of Kyoko full-time, yet I didn't want her to be put there. Anywhere but that place," he almost growled, anger now joining in the mixture of emotions his face was now expressing. "But I didn't have a choice," his finished, his voice so suppressed with sadness that I couldn't help myself from only feeling a tinge of sympathy.

Damn, I'm really losing my edge.

"If I had become her caretaker, then I would've been juggling to take care of both you and her, but then I abandoned you. I should've been there at least for you... you were only four and I did nothing to protect you. I know that _"Sorry"_will never repair the damage that I caused between us when I left you like that, but even if I had no idea how to talk to you, or how to react, I still should've been there."

Now that really did hit me. Shiest.

"I should've been a father for you. I should've been holding your hand while you stood by her window. I should've let you have known that I cared instead of indulging myself with primal ecstasy, but I didn't. I'm sorry Asuka," his voice was starting to shake. "I'm sorry for forcing you to grow up so fast," his breathing now increasingly uneven.

"I'm sorry for never trying any harder," he continued, closing his eyes in grief. "I'm sorry for killing her... and I'm sorry for everything I never did."

_Damn it! Damn it! DAMN IT! This wasn't how it was supposed to happen! This wasn't how it was meant to be at all! I'm meant to be the one to rip apart old wounds and make tears pour from your eyes and yell at you and tell you that you're a horrible father and to drop dead! Damn it, it's not fair! So what if you said that you're sorry?! You still left us when we needed you the most!_

Damn you, Sohryu. Damn you to hell. Once again you've managed to get the best of me.

Hearing those words be said out loud and the way they had been said shouldn't have affected me the way did, yet they had, and it was unbearable. What was even was worse was that I couldn't merely shrug them off as I desperately wanted to. I could almost feel a tear slip from underneath my screwed up eyelids, but I managed to refrain myself. An accomplishment I will celebrate later on, but something of no significance now.

"Please say something."

From the tightness in his throat and the glazed look in his eyes, I knew that he too, was so close to becoming consumed by the same grief and guilt that has been building up inside him, threatening to gnaw him away since Mama's funeral.

Just like me.

"I..." I tried to begin, only to find that I didn't have a single clue on how to respond. Could I really believe him, or is he trying to throw some bullshit story as a pathetic tactic to have me feeling sorry for him? And if he is then it's certainly working.

"Asuka..."

What could I say to him? What should I have said?

"Darling?"

I felt dizzy. Air, I needed air. I needed to get out of there.

"It's okay. Let it all out."

For years I truly believed that I hated Sohryu because he was weak! Because he couldn't be strong enough to stay for Mama... yet now after he explained his side of the story I could... I can... I do...

Finally understand why he left.

_He didn't do it to purposely hurt us... He just didn't want to live his entire life taking care of a mentally ill wife. Can't hate him for it- if you were in that situation and James being the one in need of full-time care and given the choice, you know you wouldn't be capable of living such a life. You'd walk away- no- you would run away. Just like you always have. Like Father. Like Daughter. _Hearing those words inside my head made the idea of having my mind be raped again seem more appealing than having to accept that realisation.

Damn. It's official: I'm a sick fuck.

_So then, if I can understand why and even relate to him, then does that mean I can still hate him?_

Do I actually hate him, or did I just pretend? A good question with no quick response. If I haven't hated Sohryu as I had always convinced myself, but rather didn't want to accept it, or realise it, then what do I feel for him? Do I care about him? Am I still feeling angry and bitter towards him? Yes definitely, but it doesn't count as hate, now does it.

Eventually anger wears off and forgiveness usually follows, but can I truly forgive him for what he's done?

I'm not sure where I heard it, but I can recall someone once telling me that people can never truly move on from tragedy or live great lives if one does not forgive and if they choose to do so then they will feel a sense of elation. When I had heard it my first thought was that the person was so full of shit and knew nothing about fucking tragedy, yet now looking back on those words and the meaning to them, I think I finally understand- no, I do understand. I just don't want to accept it. I don't want to accept it because I know there's no other way of moving on unless I learn to forgive.

But how do I do that exactly? How does one forgive? Are saying the words _"I forgive you"_ enough to erase all the years of pain? And despite mentioning before that I've forgiven Langley, I'm still confused how I managed to do it. It came to me one day as a sudden realisation- no, actually it was more like an epiphany- or was it a revelation? What is the difference between the three?

Just thinking about all of this was giving me a headache and I still didn't know what to say to Sohryu!

_Maybe you should just tell him the truth,_ a voice said to me.

Looking deep into my heart is definitely easier said than done. It is something not to be simply achieved in a matter of minutes after conversation, it is a slow process which at times leaves you feeling even more confused than when you actually started. It's kinda like a highway; long & arduous and during most of your journey across it you end up at the crossroads which force you to make a decision, however, it doesn't simply apply to forgiveness or searching deep into your soul- it applies to life in general.

Yes as you can tell, I have spent many hours of discussing philosophy with dear Amal. She's starting to rub onto me. Damn her.

But something amazing happened as I did try to find my answer. I felt something changing inside of me. Nothing dramatic or life-threatening or any of that spiritual "touchy-feely" crap, but something else. Something I had not experienced in a very long time... something that I hadn't been able to savor since the day I realised I had forgiven Langley- a realisation.

So like a light bulb suddenly lighting up, I knew exactly what to say. It was amazing.

"What you did to Mama and I nineteen years ago was unforgivable," I began. "You cheated on Mama while you were still married to her. You ignored your obligation as a father and you walked away from both us to be with her. I'm not going to be humane by lying and saying that you didn't have a major part in her suicide..."

When Sohryu flinched everytime I named one of his crimes, a part of me felt justified, and then he hung his head with shame, I got satisfaction. Gott, I'm so sadist.

"However," I continued, my voice turned less icy and more gentle. It instantly grabbed his attention.

"I know that she was never going to recover, even if you did stay." Saying that almost made me want to rip my own tongue out, I didn't want to admit that out loud, let alone to him, but I had to accept it. For both our sakes. "And while it doesn't feel right that I should forgive you just because of one lousy conversation, I know that you're going to live with that regret with the rest of your life, despite whatever I or anyone else will say. I'll admit- a part of me feels glad that you'll live with that guilt, but there's also another part of me that knows that half of that remorse you feel inside your heart is because me."

And then I said it. Those eight words which I had never said out loud before in my entire life until that day.

"So... I forgive you," I said. "Despite everything you've done."

After saying them, I felt as though something were being lifted off my heart and a warm & almost intoxicating sensation I had never endured before, wash through my entire being, ridding me of any regrets or remorse I've ever had when it came to my father, and it did more than leaving me feel a little giddy. Was this the elation that person had described when one finally forgives? It incredible. I almost felt as though I had been resurrected- to brought back from the dead and be able to live again, despite what may have happened in my past.

"Asuka..." he looked astonished, even a little relieved.

"I forgive you," I repeated, pleasantly surprised to feel no hint of anger or remorse when I said it again. "I don't feel right about calling you, _Papa,_ anymore," I continued before adding, "I know that we can never be a proper family, nor can we be friends or acquaints. Too much has happened for us to pretend to be a normal father & daughter couple. I think you can understand that."

He did.

"I'm not a child anymore..." Though I couldn't ignore the disappointment settling into my stomach. "We've both grown apart over the years, living our own lives and we're both adults now. I don't need you and you don't need me." With that said, I picked up my bag and startled ruffling through it, searching for my wallet.

"But why?" he wondered.

"Because it's time to move on," I replied simply. I should've said those words a long time ago. Because maybe if I had, then I wouldn't have had to live with this anger for so long now and Sohryu didn't have to live with the guilt for nineteen years. Then maybe if we had settled our differences, maybe we could've become something more than this.

Finally finding my wallet, I pulled out a few Euro notes and placed them onto the table before I turned my face to his own. "Tomorrow marks the anniversary of Mama's death. I'm going to visit her to offer my respects. You don't have to go and I'm not going to judge you whether or not you go to visit, but if you do go there then maybe you can say that other _"Sorry"_ that you owe..."

Though we both knew that he could never be forgiven, I still said, "And maybe you won't have to live with half a burden anymore."

I needed to get out of here. I needed to do something, anything, just not be here anymore.

"I'm leaving now," standing up and picking up my bag again, those words had a deeper meaning to them than I wanted to scratch the surface with. Just the thought saddened me terribly. "Good-bye Mister Sohryu. Take care of yourself, and tell your wife and children that I said _'Hi!'_" finishing off with a wink, a faint smile and a short wave, before I walked away and left the cafe behind.

Including one Miss Asuka Langley Sohryu.

Well... almost. There's still just one more thing I need to do.

* * *

Standing underneath the shower, I turned the tap to the hot water a little more to keep my body warmer. Let it burn my skin, I don't care, I'll deal with the consequences later. Just as long as it reminds me of the life I have now, then everything will be alright.

_I hate the cold, _I thought weakly, rubbing my upper arms, eyes closed with pain. _It brings back so many shameful memories._

_"Synch ratio zero. I can't be the Second Child anymore. I have no reason left to live. Nobody cares about me anymore. Not my Papa, not my Mama, nobody cares. I have no reason left to live..."_

I can't believe I had let myself get that far: Lying literally naked in a bath mixed between despair and dirty water. You know I haven't had a single bath since that happened, because if I do, I'm afraid it'll me bring back to a time when the thought of slitting my wrists and taking a swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills was more than little appealing, and the only thing I had going for was waiting for that shower head repair itself and drown me with its contaminated water.

Do you want to know the most fucked up bit about the entire thing, though? In spite of not coming to my aid during Arael's attack, or not coming to Hikari's to take me home, or letting me know that it wasn't my fault that Rei nearly sacrificed herself to save him, I still wanted Shinji, of all people, to have found me- not Section Two or anyone else working for NERV- but him.

I was going through one of the darkest times of my life, a time I needed him more than ever to rescue me from this depression, but he didn't show. He didn't come to my aid like he had in the volcano, or during Zeruel's attack. Shinji...

_He let you down when you needed him the most._

Yes- oh Gott- yes! I had never needed someone so badly to get me back on my feet like I had needed him then. No one did it when Mama died, I did it on my own, but I had needed him then.

It's kinda pathetic that I had kept the resentment over the years, because for never deciding to simply letting it go and forgiving him, I wasn't able to have a proper relationship with both Shinji and my father. I missed out on something great, I know, but hurt & pride kept me from taking that happiness.

Sometimes in my dreams I'll see myself walking down on a footpath in a Japanese park during the spring season and the sakura trees would blossom with soft flowers of white & pink. It is there that I would find both Shinji and my father waiting for me; talking to each other and getting along, before finally realising that I had finally arrived. Then we'd all continue on with our journey- our destination I'm never sure of, but at least we were all happy.

_Damn you, Sohryu. Damn you, Ikari._

It's all their fault, both of them. The reason why all three of us were miserable was because they didn't want to try, they didn't want to be hurt or deal with the harshness of reality. They didn't want me to be happy.

Had Sohryu really wanted to make amends then he would've arranged for us to meet, not me. He could've rung me while I lived in Japan, or tried coming to visit me at the hospital after I nearly died- both times. He didn't though. I'm not bitter about it anymore though, I've chosen to let it go now and forgive him. I did the right thing and I don't regret it.

Shinji, however, is another case. If he had realised the perks of growing a goddamn spine and actually confronted me about everything I've ever done to hurt him, instead of deciding to remain a coward and put up with all my emotional shit, then maybe we could've moved on as opposed to me still wallowing in self-pity. Hell, we could've even become a couple had we been declared as sane beings.

_Even if he had tried..._ a voice of familiarity rung in my head. _Would you have accepted his help if he had found you?_

The person in my head sounded so much like Ayanami that I actually wondered if she were literally here and I simply couldn't see her, however, rationality reminded me that she was Japan and I was here in Germany.

_Probably not,_thinking back to the question. I had been pretty messed up at that point: angry, depressed & fearful- all mixed into one. Officially declared by my psychiatrist as emotionally unstable. A part of my heart still feels like a complete fool for behaving and acting in such a way as I had- even to this day- yet in my mind I know that it couldn't have been helped. I mean, it's not like you can get back up on your feet straight away after being virtually raped and then have your dreams be shattered in a matter of days. You can't.

Yet it's just that I always remember promising myself no matter how hard it would get during this war, for every battle I would come out of- I would be victorious. A survivor. In tact. Invincible. Immortal. A hero for all. Someone that people would look at, admire, worship and maybe even... love.

_In the end you didn't turn out to be any of these things,_ a voice reminded me. _Except a fraud._

I had been selfish, arrogant and completely ignorant for having those kind of thoughts. Not to mention I was an idiot _(despite what my university degree says)_ to think and act as though I was totally impervious to all bad things- never afraid when in the face of danger, or think about death becoming one of my possible outcomes whenever I acted upon my pride. I acted just like most teenagers do and it had almost cost my own life more times than what I'd take comfort in.

_It even almost cost you an eye. Gott, if it hadn't been for James..._

No, I didn't want to think about that! Or what happened that day. Those memories in the past now. Dead. They can't hurt me anymore.

The sensation of boiling water brought me back to reality, forcing me to remember the specific reason why I was tolerating its abuse. A punishment or a reminder? I'm not sure what it is anymore.

I know that I'm a horrible person, despite convincing others I'm not. And sometimes- no- more like everyday, I have wondered why the hell James was still with me even after all the emotional shit I've thrown at him.

I've lied to him- he thinks that I'm a hero, bless him. He thinks that I was brave for facing those Angels without a trace of fear, but he doesn't know that I wasn't concerned about my welfare, let alone the fate of humanity. Christ, I couldn't grant his request of becoming one with him! That's right, everybody- I'm still a virgin. Bet that must have been a real shock for you!

Yes we may live in the same apartment and share the same bed but that doesn't mean we have to do it, you perverts!

Besides even if we never did anything sexual, I could take comfort in the fact that if I should ever have a nightmare and leave me completely vulnerable, James would always rescue me from the terrors by holding me tightly, whisper a promise that everything was alright and then remind me that the past is dead and cannot hurt me anymore.

Actually, the real reason why we never went to that stage of our relationship is because everytime we ever tried, I'd pull away at the last minute. I know that it's frustrating for James, but I can't bring myself to go through with it.

Why? I wish I knew, yet everytime we've attempted it, my body would become so stressed out with fear and anxiety, that I had to stop myself immediately or I'd start becoming violent. I tried to convince myself that it's because I wanted him to commit, but deep down, I knew that it wasn't the case. And I finally realised it when he asked me to come to America with him.

* * *

AN: Okay I must say that this must have been one of the hardest chapters I've ever had to write. Seriously- I've been working on this chapter since December of last year! Of course during that time I hit many ruts along the way thus it made me focus more on Shinji's story than with everybody's red head- and I was surprised with the results of both.

Personally, I'm still confused myself how this entire chapter ended up the way it did... At first it was going to be based on Asuka telling her father that she hated him for everything he had done and that they can never mend their relationship, then leaving him behind to think about she said. Making the chapter end with a dark & bitter ending.

However, remembering that this story is about forgiveness and letting go- I realised that Asuka needed to let go of all her pain, or else she will still be the same person deep down. Thus, she will never truly be able to live the life she wants. How I made such a transition, can be anybody's guess, but I will admit that a major influence of this was based on my own issues with my father. Don't get me wrong- I don't hate him or anything like that, it's just that there's been a lots of times in my life where he's let me down and I've always been frustrated with myself for never having the courage to confront him about it.

To those who are still unsure of why Asuka has changed her surname, I'll make it simple for you: It was never because she was engaged or I had forgotten her last names, it was because she disliked her father so much that Asuka didn't want to continue sharing the same family names with both him and her step-mother (a thought that a certain fanfic author had been mulling about for some time.) I had always thought that Sohryu had been Kyoko's maiden name but when I was told that it wasn't, I decided to completely change Asuka's surname just for the sake of it- seeing's though nobody else has done it before! I think...

Now a message to Darknemo: Yes I know that Asuka is way out of character (well to your standards), however, there's always a reason for whenever I've portrayed Asuka in a different light, but I can't explain it- just yet. Besides, if Yuko Miyamura (Asuka's seiiyu) can't synchronise with Asuka, then what the hell makes you think I can?!

To be honest, I don't think anyone can ever truly sychronise with her or be able to fully understand what makes her tick- not even Anno. And before I hear the objection: _"He's the creator; of course he would know!"_ Just remember that it wasn't him who came up with the famous: _"Kimochi warui..."_for End of Evangelion, it was Yuko Miyamura. So, unless you're either Anno or Miyamura- then you can't criticise me for choosing a specific medium or characterisation.

Anyway, if you don't like reading Asuka's perspective you don't have to read it, just read Shinji's POV. I don't want to make it seem as though I'm forcing you to read it. Which by the way, thank you for your kind review on that; glad to know that I hadn't screwed up on portraying his character like I thought I would.

And finally, I'd like to thank Eric Blair for (as always) checking up on my work and for putting up with the level of coarse language in my work. I know that you hate swearing, Eric. Also, I'm sorry! I know that you want me to change Asuka's father name back to Langley, but I can't because then I'll hear a bunch of different opinions from people!


	7. Why should you come when I call?

_It's 1:30 in the morning but that's alright by me  
You just waiting by the phone  
I should give a little warning but I need the things I need  
I'm not proud to need a hand but I just don't understand  
So why should you come when I call?  
I never say nothing at all  
Why do I go when I go?  
It's leaving me here alone  
You oughta get out on your own  
It's ain't necessarily a bad thing to believe the things I say  
Cause you can make yourself feel good  
You know it's not really a good thing to give everything to me  
I'm just waiting for the show  
Cause I've got no where to go_

_Why should you come when I call? _- The Counting Crows

* * *

"I love you," she whispered into my ear. "Gott, Ich liebe Dich so sehr, Shinji."

Oh Kami, how I've wanted to hear those three words again for so long.

_No. Not want, **need**._

I've needed to hear those words again; to let me know that someone actually does care about me and not only saying them out of mere kindness, to let me know that there's someone out there who needs me as much as I need them. Yet, I don't want to hear them from just any person. I need to hear them from her. From Asuka.

"I love you too, Asuka," I managed to respond after realising that this was real. "You don't know how long I've wanted to say that for," I breathed out, closing my eyes as I inhaled the sweet scent of her recently washed hair. It must be the new shampoo she bought a couple of days ago, because I don't recall either Misato or I having citrus as a fragrance.

"I've been wanting to tell you since Leliel's attack," she confessed adding a gentle giggle.

Opening my eyes once again I was rewarded with the sight of her beautiful features being highlighted by the silvery moonlight and with her hair swaying slightly from the wind that dared threatened to destroy this moment. I suddenly became ticklish for a minute when I felt her lips brush against my bare neck, but somehow I was able to restrain myself from laughing uncontrollably, I also somehow managed to crane my neck around hers to place soft, gentle kisses on the back of her neck.

She was obviously pleased with my actions because I could hear little moans escaping from her throat while her fingers slipped underneath my sweatshirt, almost tracing every inch of skin on my body. I couldn't help myself from shivering with pleasure, enjoying every second of her surprisingly gentle touches yet at the same time, pondering on how someone this loud, fierce & violent could also be so tender and loving at the same time.

"I've been wanting to tell you since I saved you from the volcano," I said, smirking at the acknowledgement that I had outdone her.

Asuka didn't seem to mind, I don't think, but she didn't give any sort of a reply. Instead, she begun to sing whilst also finding sudden interest with playing with my hair, one hand stroking the fine hairs from the back of my neck while the other lost itself the longish strands of dark-brown.

_"It's really good to hear your voice saying my name... It sounds so sweet... Coming from the lips of an angel... Hearing those words, it makes me weak... And I never wanna say goodbye... But boy, you make it hard to be faithful... With the lips of an angel..."_

"I thought you didn't like that song."

"I'll admit that it has a catchy beat to it, but nothing compares to_ 'She will be loved.'_" I could feel her smiling before she nuzzled herself into my neck and let out a peaceful sigh. As I wrapped my arms around her smaller figure and placed my chin on the top of her head, I couldn't recall ever being this happier in my entire life.

"Asuka..." I started, my voice losing all its confidence from before. "Don't ever leave me," I pleaded, my grip instinctively tightening onto her, yet careful not bring any sort of harm. "Please don't."

"I'm sorry, Shinji," she said, suddenly pulling away from my embrace. Sadness reflecting in her electric-blue eyes as she continued, "But I have to leave. I have to go home."

"This is your home though!" came my objection. I could feel my eyes beginning to water from fear and frustration. "This is where you belong... with the stooges and Hikari and Misato and Pen Pen... and... and me..." I finished that last part quietly before hanging my head in defeat, several tears managed to escape from my closed eyelids and travelled down my cheeks. Despite enjoying the sensation of her hand against my cheek, I felt no actual joy when she brushed the tears away so quickly, like they meant nothing to her at all.

"You know that I have to leave, Shinji. There's nothing here for me... including you."

"What?!" I couldn't believe she just said that. I didn't want to believe that she had just said that.

"I can't be with a pathetic boy like you." All previous warmth I had felt from her before was now long gone and instead, replaced with an icy demeanor, one even colder than what Rei possessed as a fourteen year old.

"You don't mean that," but I was afraid that she did. Because if she did... I didn't want to think about it.

"Like hell I do!" Asuka growled, pulling herself out of my grip and putting as much physical distance between us as possible. "You're weak, Shinji Ikari! You're nothing but a broken little boy who can't even love himself! I have no interest for guys like you."

Hearing that was like a stab to the heart. Why was Asuka saying this? I thought she loved me! She said she did so why was she saying all of this now?!

"Please Asuka... I... I need you..." To my horror, I could feel my throat tighten against its own will, making it almost impossible for me not to stutter. "Don't leave me alone..." I wanted to scream it out but it turned into a whisper. "Don't abandon me..." I wheezed out. "I'm begging you," I finished, my plea turning into nothing more than a whimper.

I thought by taking a risk, showing her just how vulnerable I was without her love, by showing just how much I needed to hear her say "I love you" then she would maybe reveal her true self to me. Man, was I stupid for thinking that.

She looked at me with a blank expression almost disturbed me because I couldn't help but think just how such a lack of emotion could ruin such a beautiful face, in fact, she didn't even look like the Asuka I knew at all. Then she spoke, her voice cold and unfeeling, it almost brought tears to my eyes when she said that one word I dreaded the most.

"No."

* * *

A gasp was what woke me up. Forcing my eyes to open and search round the entire room for whom was responsible for the sudden sound until the panting that reached into my eardrums and my heaving chest, to which I realised that it was I, who was responsible for the gasp that claimed my slumber.

Falling back onto the mattress, nothing could be heard except for the continuous heavy pounding of my frightened heart. Dreams about her again...

Well that's just fucking fantastic!

_Why does this always have to happen to me? Why do I always get punished for my deeds? Can't karma ever give me a damn break?!_ Thinking about I just said to myself, I couldn't help myself from letting out a humourless chuckle before saying, "Why do I keep doing this to myself?"

Of course I know the answer and it has nothing to do a higher being, it's just that I've decided to put the blame on someone else. Just like I always do. I know it's my fault that I've been having these dreams, but it doesn't mean that I want to. I keep trying to block thoughts of _her_ out of my mind, yet she still manages to plague my dreams

Does my subconscious get a kick out of this? If it does then it appears to have a very sick obsession with it, because it's almost leaving me to the breaking point. Or maybe I am a masochist and just won't admit it to myself.

Either way, I'm clearly a very fucked up person.

* * *

_Just keep running. Just keep running. _

This was the mantra repeating inside my brain as I forced my body to continue jogging on the treadmill. I have to keep going. No, I need to keep going! Because if I don't then I've failed, I'll have been defeated by a mere machine and strangely, my pride won't allow that. How odd.

_Keep going! Keep going! You're almost there, Shinji._

Am I though? Am I really? The ends seems so far away and every part of me feels exhausted. Can I actually reach it? Can't I just stop and call it a lose?

_No. If you give up then everything Asuka ever said to you is true. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her know that she was right._

But she wouldn't know. We haven't spoken in five years. I don't miss her. I'm glad she's gone. I never been better off.

_Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Pretending that everything is alright when it isn't? You're falling apart but you don't seem to care._

But everything really is going fine. I've never been better. Just like I told Touji.

_Shinji, it's okay to admit that something's wrong. No one's going to think any less of you._

Shut up, I don't care! Why should I?! No one cares about me anyway.

_Wow, now why does that sound incredibly familiar? Oh that's right: you're sounding like you're fourteen years old again!_

If I weren't busy running, I would've sighed.

I hate hearing those words even if they're only being played inside my mind, because they're like salt being rubbed into old wounds, agonising reminders of how I've barely changed over the years and not being able to mature into the man whom I had always hoped to be.

I wonder what Kaji would say if he saw me now with shoulder-length hair and an unshaved face. He probably would've smiled and given a small laugh. He maybe have even seen it as a compliment, yet... I can't delude myself with assumptions. I will never get to know how'd he react and it hurts a little to be reminded of that. Even more than receiving the news about Gendo's departure.

_Two more minutes, Shinji. Then it'll be all over._

Words of encouragement are so rare for me to hear, even if they're only inside my head. I'm only use to hearing demands or shouting or screaming or taunts, not compliments or the words _"You can do it."_ It's far easier to follow a command than achieving a goal.

_How very deep and philosophical, Mr Ikari._

To my surprise, I noticed a woman: a little older than me- very attractive with dark hair & eyes- wink at me. I almost tripped over when I saw it, though I shouldn't have found it to be that shocking. It's not like it's the first time its has ever happened, lots of girls on campus have done it before, giving me that look to show that they were interested. Sometimes I accepted the offer, walking straight up to them and ask if they wanted to do something, other times I would just ignore it and walk onto my tutorial.

Today, I decided on choosing the latter.

As another minute passed and the treadmill let out a short beeping noise, I looked down to realise with great satisfaction that my time was up: I had completed my goal. I smirked, but it was only momentary before getting off the electronic contraption and moving to the men's showers. I walked straight past the woman without giving her a second glance.

She was probably disappointed, but I didn't feel guilty. Even if I had given her a chance, it would've just ended up the way it always does- her nursing a broken heart and trying to pick the remain of her self-respect whilst giving me an meaningless apology for the way things turned out.

Besides, she seems too nice to mess around with anyway.

* * *

_"Every time we sleep together, I wake up in the morning alone."_

I should have felt bad when Mana said that, or at least felt a little guilty everytime I did it to her, but I didn't and I don't think I ever will be. I'll admit that Mana isn't the first woman I've ever walked out on after having sex with them, actually I've done it so many times to so many women over the years that it's almost like some perverse sort of routine. Usually I would pretend that I'm sleeping while I wait for my current girlfriend to have fall asleep, before I would get dressed and leave their apartment.

_"Kami, where do you go at 3:00 in the morning?"_

By then I'll be wandering around the streets of Tokyo-3. I almost laugh at the irony of how I always manage to find myself back in the park, the one near Misato's place... the one where I last saw Sohryu. I would sometimes stay until the early hours of the morning, doing nothing in particular, just thinking.

I would think about my mother and how I must be looking more like her than father because I sure as hell don't have the some traits as him, except for his height and eyes. Then I would begin to wonder if I would still have been the person I am if I stayed with my teacher instead of piloting Eva, or how Rei feels living everyday with the acknowledgement that her genes were composed from traces of my mother's DNA inside Unit 01's entry plug.

Sometimes I would even ponder on whether or not my mother and the other souls residing within the Evangelions were truly resting now that they've been destroyed. After which I had done all that, I would then go back to my apartment and have a shower, scrubbing vigorously until my skin was raw and almost bleeding. Well at least until I had convinced myself that I had managed to rid myself of my sins from the night before.

Every woman that I've ever been with has been nothing but a convenient fill, something for me to take comfort in even if just for a little while. If I was told nearly ten years ago that I would've turned out to be exactly like Kaji- the ultimate ladies' man, then I would've probably passed out from shock.

I suppose apart of me should feel disgusted for using these innocent females for my own personal satisfaction but everytime I do so I just tell myself that they're using me just like I using them. I'll admit it's a horrible way to live your life; filled self-hatred and hollow joy, of seeking comfort in another person's warmth and licking each other's wounds, yet I can't bring myself to stop. The habit's grown onto me.

* * *

**_KNOCK! KNOCK!_**

"Ikari?" Most people would not have heard it given how quiet the voice was, however, after being an Eva pilot for over seven months, I was accustomed to detecting the slightest of sounds. And knowing Rei for almost nine years, you become very quick to decipher the difference of sounds between the blue-haired female's voice and the wind.

"Coming!" I called out from the living room, doing finishing the touch-ups of tidying up before heading to the door. "Hey Rei," was the first thing to come out of my mouth when I opened the door.

"Good afternoon Ikari," she countered politely.

"Rei, how many times have I told you to just call me, Shinji?" I said somewhat bemusedly.

"I have lost count," Rei spoke in a monotone fashion, but I manage to notice that the corner of her lips were turned up slightly.

"Come in," moving to the side to let her enter. "So what's for lunch?" Though it wouldn't be anything involving meat, I knew that whatever she cooked would be delicious, it always is. Who would've thought that Rei Ayanami could cook?

"Your favourite." This time, she let out a proper smile.

"Thanks Rei, you don't know how much I needed this," I admitted sheepishly.

She did, however, she must've decided against acknowledging my comment. Instead, she walked into the kitchen and as I watched her open the three plastic tubs that contained our food and placed them individually into the microwave, I couldn't help from feeling a little awed. Somehow it reminded me just how much of a great mother that she would be one day.

But it certainly won't be for my children.

Touji once asked me why I had never asked her out one day, I may have been fifteen or something at the time, and I remember what went through my head as I thought of the reasons. I'll admit, I've always been attracted, after all, she had such a mysterious aura surrounding her... it was what made her real.

Just her sheer presence always made it easier for me to be myself, and she never made me feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when I told her my problems. Rei's one in a million, and now she's grown into an even more beautiful woman over the years, but that doesn't I'm love with her or anything. We're friends, yet we're not. We're not 100% biologically related, but she almost feels like a sister to me. Technically, we could date yet the thought feels wrong. Especially when considering that Gendo had been a father to her and treated her more like an offspring than he ever did with me.

_"I have nothing else."_

I used to feel jealous everytime I saw them together. _"How come he'll talk to her but not me? What's she to him anyway?"_ I used to ask myself but after that night during Operation Yashima, I realised that she had far much less than me. So even though I still wanted to make a connection with my father, Rei would always have the one thing I could never have and I never hated her for it.

"It's not polite to stare," Rei spoke. While she had been focusing all her attention on the microwave as she said that, how she knew is still a mystery to me, but it instantly pulled me out of my thoughts.

I could feel my face flush with shame. "My bad," came out as I grabbed a beer from out of the fridge.

"Do you really have to drink that?" she said as I popped the can open.

I was surprised when she asked that and if I didn't know better, I would've thought that she almost looked upset to see the yellow metallic object nestling comfortably in my hand.

"I'm thirsty," was my only reply and I then took a massive gulp of brain-cell killing beverage.

She didn't respond. Instead, she took out the final plastic tub from out of the microwave and begun organising the food onto our plates. Not wanting her to do all the work, I grabbed two pairs of chopsticks from out of the drawer and poured water in the teapot which had been boiled prior to Rei's arrival. Neither of us spoke a single word while we focused on our tasks, or when we walked over to the kitchen table, but it was a comfortable silence.

"Thank you," was the first thing to come from Rei's mouth after I finished filling her cup with green tea.

"No worries," I replied and took another gulp of my beloved Yebisu. Well sort of... it took me a few seconds to realise that the can was empty. Trying to peer into it, I tried shaking it slightly to see if there was anything left only to find- much to my disappointment- nothing.

Instead of going for another one, I decided to eat anyway. "This is great, Rei!" I complimented with a mouthful of rice.

The blue-haired woman raised an eyebrow. Obviously she wasn't impressed with my current mannerisms, I think.

"So how's Panther?" I started, though I was trying my hardest not to laugh at the chosen name for her cat, but a chuckle managed to escape anyway.

"She's doing very well. Though I do not understand why you find her name so amusing." I was still chuckling as she said that.

"It's just that it's so random that you would name your pet after a member of its family."

"I don't see why it would be. Panther is a black cat. She reminded me of one," she reasoned. "And panthers are known to be quite powerful creatures."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But her explaining her reason of naming one black cat known as Panther, with such a flat tone and stoic expression... well fuck, think of me as an idiot, but damn if it isn't funny!

I'm not quite sure how long I laughed for but it must've been a while because I could soon feel my sides aching and I was close dealing with an extreme case of the hiccups, yet I couldn't help myself. In my blurry vision I was almost certain that I saw Rei smiling at me, or it could be my eyes playing tricks on me, who knows.

"Well," I started after managing to calm myself down, "it's good to hear that she's doing okay. I know you've been taking good care of her."

"If it weren't for your help, she would have never existed."

Now hearing **_that_** sent chills down my spine, removing the pleasant mood I was in prior. I'm sure many of you will probably wonder how Rei would've even come to possess a cat in the first place, it's a long story but I'll give you the short version, or at least to what I know.

Basically it all started during one stormy night; a fortnight after the dismissal of NERV, Rei was at home when she suddenly heard a scratching sound coming from her door. Of course, the sound continued until it eventually led the fourteen year old to become slightly irritated and more than interested at discovering the source, so after opening the door, Rei was more than surprised to find a stray cat sitting there.

At first she tried ridding the cat by, uh... talking to it. Then she tried scaring it (though she would not explain to me _how_), before finally giving in and allowed the cat in. The day after that she rung me and told me about the situation so I immediately went to the apartment and showed her how to take care of the creature.

I knew at the time that she had been reluctant to take on the responsibility, but I couldn't do it; Misato was struggling to find a way to pay the bills, Asuka was going back-and-forth to the hospital to deal with her own problems and I was still trying to deal with my depression, not to mention I was still finding it difficult to face her.

However, the next two months I noticed a change within Rei. She soon started becoming more talkative and smiled a lot more, she also named the cat, Neko. She finally found a purpose to her life apart from NERV and even told me that she wanted to go to university to do study on animal species. I was happy for her; that cat had been a blessing. Yet sadly, a week later Neko died due to illness, but before the creature passed away, the veterinarian taking care of it had discovered that she was pregnant and managed to deliver the only kitten Neko had managed to conceive. Its name: Panther.

I know that it had been hard for Rei to accept Neko's death, she had never experienced such a loss, but after the veterinarian asked her if she wanted to take the kitten with her, I knew that Rei was able to gain some closure by being given the responsibility for Panther.

I decided it was better if we dropped this conversation. "So what have you been up to lately?" changing the subject, I finally decided to go to the fridge for another beer.

"You drink more than Misato." She said, ignoring my question.

I wish she hadn't said that. It wasn't the words themselves that made my heart feel as though it were sinking with disappointment, but it was how she said them with that voice of hers. While it was expressed so softly and gently that it numbed you with comfort, you could feel the sadness laced into it. The feeling? Being driven to the brink of insanity and you can't help yourself from wanting to lash out.

_Damn it!_ I thought irritably. _I hate it when she makes out likes she's the victim! Even if she isn't intentionally doing it._

"So how's school?" I asked, sitting back down. I prayed that the blue-haired woman would oblige to my silent request.

"Unpleasant," she replied coldly. "Mana does not wish to talk to me right now."

Shit! Bad question, Shinji. _Really_ bad question.

"So are you going to take-"

"Please stop avoiding the subject," Rei interrupted. Her eyes were pleading for me to talk to her, but I couldn't. Not with her. Not with anyone.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You don't want to talk to anyone." Though her face didn't show it, I could hear the hurt in her voice.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Then make me understand."

Am I having _deja`vu_ or did I hear those exact same words said by Misato from only just yesterday?

"Look Rei," I started, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I know what you're going to say and I'd rather not hear, okay. Just drop the subject. Please."

Although I was looking at her with pleading eyes, she did not back down. "Why don't you want to talk about it with me? Don't you trust me?"

Goddamnit! She's done it again- making herself look like hurt little girl while making me feel like the bad guy. Why do you do this to me, Rei?!

"Of course I trust you, Rei," I replied evenly despite my frustration steadily increasing. "But it still doesn't mean that I want to talk about it."

Hearing that, the blue-haired woman gave no reply. I should've felt bad for shunning myself away from her, however, after having to put up with this kind of crap for five years now, you tend to get good at ignoring the guilt.

For the next fifteen minutes neither of us spoke a single word whilst we finished the rest of our lunch. Unfortunately, the silence hadn't been as comforting as it had been before and I was beginning to feel a little uneasy. So much so, I was even considering the idea apologising (despite how much I loathe it), until Rei decided to break the quiet revere.

"We will never be lovers."

Okay, now that certainly grabbed my attention.

"Or husband and wife," she continued, not bothering to notice the _"What the fuck?!"_ look I was giving her. "Despite what I am, I am not her."

My face softened when I realised what she meant and a part of me felt disappointed. Believe me, I'm glad that she isn't biologically my mother, yet at the same time, something deep inside of me really wished that she was. How selfish of me, not to mention severely fucked up.

"Nor the First and the Second."

Despite the trace of sadness in her voice, Rei smiled a little before it disappeared and was replaced with _anger?_ "I am merely called Rei Ayanami because I take on the form of her, but I'm not her. I'm neither of them, yet everyone thinks I am. So they treat me as if I were the First Child."

It must be hard for her having to deal with that everyday. It's especially worse when someone from the gang would bring up an event that had occurred during the days when Angels roamed the earth whilst the Evangelions were humanity's only salvation. Whether they be memories of joy, laughter or death, they always left the atmosphere feeling grim when everybody finally remembers that Rei is the only one who cannot recall any of those times.

Nearly nine years ago Professor Kouzou Fuyutski, Doctor Ritsuko Akagi, Major Misato Katsuragi and myself all made a silent vow between us that the origin of Rei Ayanami would forever remain as a secret and to never be spoken of again or revealed to anyone else- even from Asuka.

It only seemed the right thing to do after what that bastard did to her and the others. So to keep the secret hidden, we explained to everyone else that she had severe memory loss due to the explosion of Unit 00 and it was very unlikely that she would ever regain any of her memories again.

People were understanding of her condition and had even sometimes tried to revitalise them by recounting events of her days as an Eva pilot or showing her an item or photo from the past- hoping for a miracle. Only to have it be crushed when Rei would say the dreaded words, _"I don't remember."_

"I saw myself for the first time after I had been admitted back to the apartment." She resumed after remaining voiceless for several minutes, a thoughtful look apparent on her face during that time. "When I removed all the bandages and saw myself properly in the mirror for the first time, I felt like I was staring at someone else. This face isn't truly mine, yet I am to bear it. Then and now- until the day I die."

Hearing that really did surprise me. Though each Rei has always looked the exact same, it never actually occurred to me just how it would affect the present Rei now; I simply assumed that she accepted who she was and that it didn't bother her the slightest. It never hit me until now that she may have hated being forced to see herself each morning- another selfish assumption I can now add to the list.

"When I saw his glasses on the desk, I knew straight away that they were his. I'm still uncertain how I knew, but something told me that he was responsible for this."

Unfortunately I was no longer able to read the expression on her face (or at least try to) as it was soon curtained by fine strands of icy-blue hair, which had grown to an incredible length over the years and now almost reached to her waist.

"I..." Her voice seemed so distant, even a little confused. "I tried crushing them with my hands, but the thing inside of me that wished to rid those glasses also wanted to stop. I cried. Though I didn't know why- it didn't feel like it had been my first time. It made me feel like a real human being- I could understand what it was to feel sadness. But now, I realise that I was crying someone else's tears."

Raising her head back up I could see the glimmer of tears building up in her ruby-like eyes. I really wished that I had known what to say at that time, but I had been so stunned by such a display of sadness, that I was at a complete loss for words.

"There are moments that I'll have glimpses of past. Feelings and sensations I do not recall ever having, yet I'm almost certain that they are memories which I've simply locked away inside my mind. I try searching through the deepest, innermost depths of my heart- trying to search for my answer. It is a place so dark that you can't see your hand in front of your face, until eventually I find what I'm looking for. And I remember that they're aren't mine."

"Rei..." I was stunned.

"I'll never get to be one of those people who will remember their first day at school, or recall the dreams they have each night." She said as if she were in a trance and completely unaware of the sympathetic look my eyes were reflecting. "However, I'll always remember the first time that I cried. And that's enough for me."

While I couldn't help myself from feeling sorry for the blue-haired woman, another part of me wondered how the hell this had to do with us never being lovers.

As if she could read my thoughts, Rei continued, "Despite what I am and what I am not, you have still treated me with kindness and generosity." She paused for the briefest of moments, looking as though she were having a epiphany, or maybe remembering something. "You made me feel like I didn't have to be made out of straw."

For some reason saying that brought a smile upon her lips and reached all the way to her eyes, however, like the blink of the eye, it instantly vanished. Yet unusually, a faint blush swept across her pale cheeks. "Though I am still unsure what love is, I'm certain that I do love you. But I know that the love I have for you is not the kind shared between a man and a woman, yet not of a mother. It is more like of a sister."

"I feel the exact same way," I said, grateful that I was finally able to contribute something to this parley other than looking like an idiot.

Her smile returned. "I'm glad." And once again it went away and was replaced with an almost bitter look. "Yet you are still avoiding the truth."

Sighing out loud, I regrettably knew where she was getting at. If I was stronger I would've continued to dodge the bullet and kept the conversation light as possible (whilst praying to whoever is in charge of my fate) until Rei would finally realise the time and then leave.

Unfortunately for me, I couldn't hide my heart anymore from human reach.

"Forgive me, Rei." I started with my head hung low. I had never felt so ashamed of myself. "All I've ever done is piss & moan about my life but you've never once complained about your own. You have so much less than I do... It's like the saying goes: Regardless of how terrible your life may be, there's always someone much worse off than you. Yet despite all the pain you've gone through, you've still had the compassion to worry about _me!_"

_And she's never asked for anything in return- except for your trust._

It only seemed right to allow her to get a glimpse inside my heart. After all, she did let me get a glimpse into hers and I know that it hadn't been one of the easiest things for her to do. Besides she deserved to know, because even if the circumstances have changed a lot since we were children, she still has far much than I do.

"I... I am..."

The words were stuck inside my throat, I couldn't get them out. My heart, mind & soul wanted to nothing more than to let them out, to let them be heard by Rei, yet my pride wouldn't allow such a weakness to occur. Goddamnit, they were so hard!

_"But most importantly: Apologise when you know you were wrong. Don't ever think saying "I'm sorry" is a weakness, Shinji. It takes a lot of bravery to admit to someone that you were wrong and then ask for forgiveness. But don't say it unless you actually mean it."_

Words of wisdom. Words of one Kouzou Fuyutski who had currently decided to remind me of the significance of his self principles. They may have been said only less than twenty-four hours before, but already they were having a profound impact on my life. Goddamnit.

_Come on, Ikari._ My mind edged. _Say it!_

"I'm sorry." I was finally able to blurt out.

Rei was stupefied, that was for sure, however, I had to keep going or else I'd never have the courage to talk about this again. "I shouldn't have pushed you away like I have these past few years. Not you of all people. You're one of my best friends, but I sure haven't as Hell shown it. It's just that..."

Biting my pride and with (almost) gritted teeth, I confessed: "After Asuka left, my heart felt as though it had been ripped out of my chest and thrown to the fucking ground! I mean what right did that self-centered, cold hearted, arrogant bitch think she had to just leave like that?! No fucking mention, or note, or good-bye. Jack-fucking-squat!"

Although Rei highly disapproved of swearing, she still listened to it without any complaints, or objections. While I was extremely grateful for her ability to sweep things aside and focus on the main issue, I couldn't help from cringing at the level of cussing I had been using at that point and I even felt a little guilty about it.

"Didn't she care, Rei?" I found myself almost yelling. "Or did she just see me as some fucking play thing she could toy with and torture and abuse for fucking four years and then decide to drop and forget about me so easily?!"

_I'm really sorry, Rei._ My heart cried gently. _But you wanted to know the truth._

"I didn't have to care about her, I didn't have to even acknowledge her! I could've just moved out of Misato's and gone back to the country, but I didn't. I stayed with her and put up with all of her emotional shit, but what did I get for it? Nothing! I hate her! And I'll **_never_** forgive her." Finishing off with a growl, I could feel my entire body tremble with rage.

_Even at thousands of kilometres away, that narcissistic bitch is still able to get me worked up!_

I said nothing for a while, being too pissed off to think about anything else except for going over what I just said. So much so that I didn't even bother to notice Rei's expression as she replied, saying something that shook me to the core.

"No. You don't."

My head snapped up from hearing that; fear and confusion freely naked in my eyes, completely powerless to avoid those inquisitive eyes of ruby red. She continued as if she couldn't see my silent begging to stop. "I do not believe you are capable of hating another human being, even for your father. You may feel great resentment towards Sohryu and pain, but you do not hate her. I know that you care for her deeply, even though she has hurt you deeply."

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!" I found myself standing after banging my fist against the table as I yelled at her.

In spite of my violent outburst, the blue-haired woman remained poised. Christ, she didn't even blink! Instead, she resumed speaking with a calm & even voice. Damn her. "I know that you still listen to the red Sdat tape she had given to you."

I gasped in shock. _How did she find out?_

The tape had been given to me as a gift a couple of months after I turned fifteen; it was basically a mix of all greatest songs by the string quartet group, Bond. When I asked her the reason for such a kind gesture she simply rolled her eyes and called me uptight for wanting an answer before finally replying that it was a late birthday present- nothing more. Yet her reason didn't justify my suspicions but I decided to drop the subject and be grateful for her thoughtfulness.

"You have also kept several photos of you and her together, but you have hidden them to prevent yourself from being hurt furthermore. And..." she paused, looking as if she didn't want to step over the boundary any further. "I know that you were going to ask her to the Senior formal."

_Ouch! Now that hurt._

_Thank you, Rei Ayanami,_ I thought bitterly as I diverted my gaze to the wooden floors of my kitchen. _You've just opened another can of Shinji Ikari's famous home-made dead worms, created with the finest ingredients of hurt, misery and inability to let go. Warning: Contains high levels of alcohol & may cause severe depression! Not suitable for children, pregnant women or people with a medical condition._

Seeing my vulnerable form, Rei must've felt pity for me because the only thing I heard for the next thirty seconds was the echo of nothingness until the sound of gentle thud soon tapped my eardrums. Grabbing my attention, I looked up to the source and was surprised to find a can of Yebisu sitting right in front of me.

The ex-First Child nodded to me as a silently encouragement, though I could see the disappointment in her eyes.

For a few moments I looked at her, briefly wondering if this was some sort of a test. While the guilty part of me didn't want to scull the entire beverage in front of my friend, the rest of me said, _"Screw that!" _and go for it. Good enough, I reasoned before popping the lid open and draining its entire content within a matter of seconds.

"YEE-HA!" was my war cry as I slammed the empty can against the table. Damn, I've inherited Misato's annoying habit! Kami, what else have I picked up from her over the years?

"Now I understand."

"Hmm?" I said, partially wondering what she meant.

"I have to go now," she announced, rising up from her seat.

"What?" I asked, turning my head around to look up at the clock behind me. 1:52 P.M. it said- barely an hour since she arrived! "You have to leave _now?_ It's Saturday." Although she had been charting into forbidden waters before, I was still disappointed to see her leaving.

"I'm sorry, Shinji." Rei apologised whilst bowing deeply in respect. "However, I have something important to attend to. Thank you for allowing me to visit."

"No problem, Rei. You're always welcome here." I'm all alone anyway, but I'll never admit that to her.

"I'll clean the containers and give them to you the next time I see you." I added after walking with her to the door.

"I'd appreciate that," she thanked.

Sliding open the front door, I leant against the metallic door frame as support; staring at a partial of clear blue sky that wasn't being blocked by concrete or railing.

"I'll see you later," my companion said after doing up the zips of her tan knee-high boots.

"See ya," giving a short wave and then watched her walked away. However, for some reason she stopped and turned around to face me. "Is something wrong?" I found myself asking.

"No." She replied, shaking her head in response. "I just wanted you to know that... it's true; there will always be someone else out there worse off than you, but it does not mean that your own pain doesn't count."

"Thank you, Rei. I'll remember that."

A swift nod and a short smile were present before the blue-haired female added, "Also... I hope you know that you are alone."

"What?" How did Rei know? "What do you mean?" Could she read me that easily?

"I said: _"You are not alone."_" Rei repeated, shooting me with a look of concern. "What did you think I said?"

"Oh, nothing!" came out as a nervous laugh as I tried to cover up my blunder. "Take care of yourself and Panther."

"I will. Good-bye."

Though Rei was already gone I still remained in my spot, just thinking. Nothing in particular (the alcohol saw to that) except I couldn't help but think about what Rei had said earlier.

_"You are **not** alone."_

I really wish I could believe that, but I can't delude myself with foolish hopes as I may have as a child. I know that I'll never truly find happiness or find peace with myself or ever be able to rid myself of my inner demons, but it's okay- really.

Sometimes it sucks trying to accept it and I've even during my weakest moments, have wished that I could scorn my mother for being so caring and self-righteous and deciding to sacrifice herself for my sake rather than let the future be bleak. Yet eventually during this mulling, I'll eventually manage to find a way of looking on the brighter side; that silver lining from a cloud which almost seems too bleak and distant to find anything positive about it.

"Well," I started with a pathetic chuckle. "At least I'm not afraid anymore." Though I'm not sure why I even bothered saying that. Who was I trying to convince, anyway?

_"If you are told this is so, then you will believe this is so."_

_

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AN: Alright now how many of you want to kill me right now for taking _**WAAAAAAAAAAAAY**_ too long to update? Please raise your hands (Water-Star included) - wow,_ that_ many!

I'd like to apologise for updating so late when you're all probably sick of waiting, but I hope you'll keep reading despite how lazy and unmotivated I am. (Also, I'm more in a _Death Note_ mood above everything else.) *Shakes head* Will I ever complete my fanfics?

Again, I want to thank you all for always reading, reviewing and telling me where I can improve as a writer. Until the next time, Water-Star.

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